Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Tuesday, 2 September 2014

The woman in me shouts out

The man in me just smiles

A conversation piece.

Recently, Tilly has changed her working patterns so that she writes with her literary buddy every other night. On the 'off' nights she can work on her novel, her blog presence (to create the market to sell her work later and create her own circle of friends online) and have 'her' time. Once a fortnight we shall have a Friday night together. We have had two of these 'date-nights' thus far. They consist of some film/DVD and wine for her, beer for me, and sitting together on the sofa. They are nice, we actually touch a bit, she has her legs on mine and we have a watch of something. All of this is a definite step forward from earlier in the year and I'm not going to knock it.

This'll do. It was a decent enough establishment and the
staff were really on the ball. But the food was... well, what
you'd expect from a chain pub and not all that well done at
that. I don't do meeting new people well, so Tilly was keen
that we do something to put me at ease beforehand.
We've also been down to celebrate her mother's 60th birthday. I was having a conversation with my father's wife about his sixtieth and how we were going to celebrate it. With him having his birthday on Christmas Eve it's always a bit difficult to organise anything and, though I remember cards and presents for both, he is a bit hung up about the fact that the two are very close. For my father's fiftieth we had a posh meal in some country hall in full smart dress, evening dress, and then retired to a hotel afterward. I hate dressing up in suits. My brother and I attended, but I know that I wasn't really present in mind and was a bit of a poor son to have there. This was a mere week before I hooked up with my Mad-Ex, so that may have had something to do with it. Therefore, this sixtieth is being planned a little more in advance and, at Tilly's urging, with a bit more involvement from me. It was after a conversation about it that Tilly remembered her own mother's sixtieth and we came up with the wheeze of going down, about 200+ miles, to surprise her with some family and have a meal. It went really well, it really did.

This will do.
Anxious that I got something from the trip, Tilly arranged it so that we could go to an experimental ancient farm covering everything from the Neolithic to the early Iron Age first the day before the meal. I confess that I liked the place, though both of the children were being a bit strange. Then, that night, she insisted that I go whilst she settled the children to sleep. They did not go easily and so I was in the bar downstairs (not having drinks) until about 11pm. I managed to read my book on Prehistoric cookery that I'd bought that day (fascinating) and play a great deal on the tablets we'd taken for the children in the car. I felt bad about having fun whilst the hellish time was had by Tilly but she assured me that she would sooner that than have me miss sleep. It was thus a hard meal trying to keep the children happy during the meal as they were tired and grotty. They continued to be so all the trip back and some dodgy seafood that I'd had meant that we had many stops for my bladder.

Doggerland, before and after the great slide that caused
a tsunami to devastate the islands that remained at the time.
During the mesolithic much of what is now the North Sea was a plain with pretty much paradise on it. Food was plentiful, abundant and easily gained. The people that lived there weren't so much hunter-gatherers as we understand them but people who could hunt if they chose, eat when they liked and pretty much what they liked with little effort. They were few in number, had a pretty steady-state population (indicating high health and satisfaction) and this maintained in some areas until the Romas turned up. Of course, their land was gone by 6500BC and then the slow adoption of agriculture was forced around the same time, and life became harder but still not as hard as it would become during the time of the Romans and afterward: Climate Change, soil change, vegetation change and population growth all had their part to play, along with the loss of large game due to those environmental changes. Why am I linking this? It seems that the power-play between society's genders and restrictions imposed thusly are quite modern in origin. We knew that anyway, but to see it so starkly as this was something of an eye-opener.

And we're considerably less close than this couple here.
Definitely less touchy-feely.
I do like the direction things are going with our relationship at the moment. But we don't talk directly about sex, even when watching comedy or films that are directly about it, and we don't really discuss anything of any great gravity. We are slipping into loving one another rather than being in love with one another and it scares me. There is a fondness that one may see between good roomies but no spark of anything more or else. There is less time now for me to indulge, which is fine if balanced, but nothing else is happening. Okay, I'm being unrealistic, I know, one does not repair six years of brokenness in a few short weeks. But I worry that we're never going to fix things to a high enough standard to risk the suspension on a rocky road again and what will we be left with when the children grow up? Is this all I want?

Not long ago, when we were talking about physical intimacy, Tilly got a little heated (she wasn't alone). She spat: "all you really need is for some woman to spread her legs for you!" Right there, I feel, we have the nub of the issue. Tilly views pretty much anything sexual as being dirty and undesirable, something that is devoid of closeness or love. I could just get the sex and be happy and then we could go on and forget about it. She's wrong. I view the sex as being part of something else, something larger, but still a part of it. What if she's partly right, but not the way she intended, and there is nothing bigger for the sex to be a part of? This isn't existential angst about the relationship, just a musing. It would explain a great deal.

Hmm, rapidly becoming unfocussed. I shall sign off here.

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