Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Sunday, 6 July 2014

Another Life Another Dream

I have posted in a similar vein, and with much the same resultant muse, before apparently. Odd how this blog ends up being so cyclical. I shall put in a line-break after the music videos to avoid the blatant repetition dominating!

I've alluded to the fact that I regret things before and I've mentioned the missed opportunity at University when a friend of mine, and a housemate, correctly identified that I was a cross-dresser (in the days when all I'd ever cross-dressed in were a pair of knickers two years earlier) and suggested that a. that was fine and b. I could cross-dress in public. She spoke for the group of which I was a part. Of course, I denied the charge and carefully choreographed the next few weeks so that the topic didn't come up again and so that I didn't actually have to give an answer. Respecting my wishes more than being fooled by my oh-so-clever social engineering, the friend, twas Kirsten, didn't mention it ever again.

It was in a bar and she had guessed because of my choice of song that night: Girls and Boys by Blur. Though it is worth mentioning that I had 'come out' already to my ex-girlfriend when drunk (plausible deniability, well used) and so it is likely that the rumour was doing the rounds. A few comments I would have been making at the time, like a desire for a fancy dress barcrawl in which I hinted strongly at a gender-swap theme, would have merely confirmed the case. I like to think I was careful, but looking back I'm guessing it was blindingly obvious right down to my choice of posters (I had models and what not, but my attitude to them and the way they were probably tipped people off that I wasn't lusting after the people in them).

Not in focus, the one on the left there. In the purple.
So, I regularly (if not often) ask myself what the difference would have been had I gone with the suggestion: admitted that, yes, I had thought about cross-dressing and then taken her at her word. Would I have had some help in 'coming out' as a cross-dresser? There were odder predilictions in our eclectic group banding round sci-fi as a cry and it wasn't like I had any other relationships in University with other friendship groups or any chance of getting with another girl. How might life have been different had I actually taken the plunge? I imagine that it would have been a slow-ish process helped along by supportive friends. So, the first time would likely have been at the house that we shared and would likely have been fairly tame: a skirt and a blouse I would guess worn around the house. After that was accepted then the wardrobe would have grown. A barcrawl in which I attended in girls' jeans, a female t-shirt, knickers and maybe some trainers would have followed. Maybe I would have carried a small over-shoulder bag for my wallet and keys as the pockets of the jeans would be too small, of course. A few more skirts and tops would not have been far behind. I would likely have started shaving my face more often, how long before I started on my legs and underarms? I imagine that would have been an actual step.

Aye. Like this.
Then I wouldn't have had a haircut for a while. Maybe there would have been more day-to-day dressing. Mainly at the house to begin with and on barcrawls, where it could be written off, but increasingly I would be lazy and daring and go out fully dressed as standard. I would have invested in pairs of shoes, probably heels, and at some point would have bought a bra and started stuffing it. I may have been encouraged by Kirsten to start wearing make up and I rather doubt that I would have held out for long. I doubt I would have attended seminars or lectures en femme and I doubt very much that any of this would happen when I visited my parents or if I was likely to meet people from school like Eddie, Gaz or Jeremy. However, I can see that my life would have become much more en femme than it has ever been since. There would be photos of me dressed, it would have become 'normal' to see me dressed generally and I may even have started going by the name Joanna. It's been a name that's hung about me for a long time.

This was actually really hard to find.
Images of students from when I went to Uni are really rare!
So it would pass that I would still have gone on to do an MA and I would have been cross-dressing for the best part of a year with a summer where I didn't. I would have been a tad more confident and would likely have taken my femme wardrobe to the new place too. That would have meant coming out to Tim, who was my only contact in the new University, and that, in turn, would have been... interesting. Still, given the entirely positive (well, mostly positive) press that I would have experienced from friends at University I can imagine that I would do it almost without realising, by turning up somewhere fully en femme and forgetting that people didn't really know. I guess Tim would have been a little freaked out by it but my own attitude would play a huge role in making sure that it was accepted. Would it have changed anything else? Probably not. I imagine I would have checked porn less, perhaps, and fantasised less about being dressed as I would be dressed pretty much whenever I liked, so it would never have been much of a secret. Sooner or later my family would find out through Tim and his parents and I don't really know what would happen there. At this point I was still estranged from my father and my mother... well, at this point she was dating a transvestite and hated the fact that he was one so God only knows. It is unlikely that I would care much about her opinion. My brother, just starting in a fairly Pentecostal church would probably have disowned me but our relationship was poor enough that I probably wouldn't care.

Hey, my fantasy, I can dream.
I think I would have still gone into teaching but would have had one extra coping strategy up my sleeve for my time in the house I would share. So that my housemates during this time would know that I cross-dressed. By this point I would have been doing it so long and it would seem so normal to me that I doubt I would even ask what their opinion was. I'm not saying they wouldn't share it, but I am saying that I would be autistic enough to not care one way or the other. At least, not enough to change. I may have ended up angsting about it a bit but I would be shaven from the nose down and wearing make up some of the time as standard. Would I wear my hair longer? Probably. Thus my teaching would have taken form without me having a beard. There would have been a break when I first started teaching, to avoid the school or the students seeing me dressed, and then I would have done my dressing in the city with my old University friends. I doubt that I and my mad-ex would have got together but I may have had a better chance with someone else, so maybe I would still have had a relationship in that year but maybe not, who knows. My internet habits would be very different by that point too, and I would likely have made different online friends outside of the University set I hung with, branching out earlier.

About the only thing I can say for certain so far from the point of divergence is that I would not have met, nor dated, Tilly. Why? On an online dating profile I would have said I cross-dressed, that's why. Looking at my present situation, the only thing that would keep me from stepping from this dimension to that would be the fact that we have children. But, perhaps, there would be different children and a different relationship waiting for me on the other side. Perhaps.

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!