|The promised picture of me in that new dress.|
It's... not flattering.
Tonight, she had to go out for a bit. The Boy and I were sat together on the sofa, he was watching a DVD and I was just 'being' with him. She smothered him in kisses to say goodbye, didn't look at me once, told him she loved him and ignored me when I said "goodbye" and "I love you". Then walked out. She regularly kisses our children and hugs them and snuggles them. Good. But never me. In a morning she will talk with our children, but never directly to me. I've said it before, but I get more 'goodbyes' from my children than I do from my wife. Which is easy because Tilly hasn't said 'goodbye' or 'I love you' in a morning since we moved. Probably before that too, but I've only really kept track since October last year.
When I get home we talk. Like friends. Just like friends. No kiss hello. I've tried hugging and kissing hello but she freezes up or swats me away. Either way, she scrunches her face up in disgust. It's... demoralising.
When in therapy she had the gall to say my low self-esteem was the problem, that me not respecting myself made it easy for her to not respect me either. And just how did I get that low self-esteem in our relationship? Could it have been the constant refusal whenever I initiated intimacy (not just sex) and the anger and deprecation that followed my one refusal of her initiation? Could it have been the two year drought where I was admonished for answering honestly when asked directly by her friend about how long it had been since we'd had sex (I should have lied apparently, and said "last night") - I told her a month (it had been over a year). Could it be the shame and humiliation I felt talking to my soon-to-be-married friend when he said "if I was denied sex for a year I'd divorce her and be glad of it, no one can manage more than a few months in a loving relationship without sex" when, secretly, it had been about two years?
It's been nearly six months now, no sign of change. Hell, even talking about it three times is too much for Tilly - I'm bringing it up "all the time". It's been a while since The Chat but I'm too scared to bring it up again.
She claimed she was "frustrated" that she couldn't have sex. "Frustrated" that she couldn't do it for me. She has never done anything sexual for me. Oh, she's crossed her legs to help me finish, rolled on top, held my wrists now and again, but she is totally uninterested otherwise. Never has she asked about my fantasies or what I would like. Never has she tried to 'woo' me. No. She has told me the following:
1. She has no sexual fantasies. At all. Zilch. Or, if she does, she's not telling me.
2. She masturbates. Infrequently and, apparently, in complete silence.
3. I need to 'woo' her. However, buying flowers at random, snuggling, gifts, notes, texts, compliments are not enough. She says she shouldn't have to explain what wooing means or how she wants to be wooed. then, if I ask again, she'll claim "I already told you" and that "I won't repeat it". Right.
4. She finds my interests "degrading". She has an inkling about BDSM because of the handcuffs and because I used them with her when she was pissed and scary on our second date back at my place. Playfully, I might add, and with her consent. That's about all she knows about my 'interests' regarding sex because she's never wanted to know more. I have offered to share, she said "I don't want to know". At least three times since we met. Once since we married. I wrote stuff down before we were married. She's never spoken of it.
5. She offered oral once. When horribly drunk. I turned her down. She has never offered again.
6. She tried to touch my bits once. It was... a bit scary actually. She did not ask for help and swatted me away when I tried. Needless to say, it didn't work. She has never tried again.
7. She hates kissing.
Yeah, frustrated that she can't do things for me. Fuck off.
I'm not in a very happy mood. More combative. Not helped by the fact that I have been approached on another site by a domme offering her services online. I'm almost tempted you know. There's a free trial for an online dating site in my inbox. I'm almost tempted you know. I get that six months is bog all after the long two year drought but it's not just... maybe not even the sex. It's... well, everything else. Or rather, the lack of anything else. She's up in the spare room working on her novel, last night she was in the kitchen chatting to her writing buddy (she'll do that again tomorrow, and Friday, and the writing on Thursday). On weekend evenings she's... chatting to her writing buddy and working on her novel.
I dunno. I get that I can't ask for anything she's not willing to give (I wouldn't want it if it were forced) but... I dunno, I feel like I could hope for a little more than 'discussion' every now and again. Some actual affection maybe? She buys things, for my birthday for example, and is 'supportive' but I've had housemates, even female ones, be supportive in this way. She gets 'treats' every now and again, knowing that I am too tight to spring for cakes and shiz for myself. Which is fine but... it's become clearer that she doesn't really know me. She hasn't the first clue what treats I would get for myself (and has never asked) and it's... I dunno, forced? Is that it? Is that what I get? Is that what marriage is?
Or is it, in fact, all me? What am I failing to do? What is it that I have got so catastrophically wrong? When I didn't notice her wearing make-up she claimed she was 'making an effort' for me. No, see, she wears that for herself, she's said as much since, long and hard. It has nothing to do with me. I should not take it as a signal to be kissing her or snuggling or hugging - it's all about feeling good about herself. Fine, but then why claim it was making an effort for me in the first place? She wants to be complimented. Fine. Except she hates me complimenting her and gets this look on her face of abject confusion when I do. Fine, but then why claim that I didn't do it enough in the first place? What am I doing wrong?
Oh, stuff it, that's enough whining for an evening.