|I've said before how much I love flowers.|
I got them on a whim for Tilly.
I have posted previously about being in a sexless marriage. However, in amongst the other terms I learned the term "refuser" - Tilly is not one. Why? She refuses nothing. I don't even bother advancing or initiating sexual relations and attempts to be intimate fail. Last night, she was home late and we talked while she had a glass of wine. It was companionable. But I couldn't help but continue marking whilst we talked. I suggested we talk in bed, to remove my laptop. She agreed. We talked. I reached out to hold her hand, rested on her forearm but she made no move at all. When I moved closer she subtly shifted backward. Today, I stroked her hair, she let me. I moved closer and she walked away. I bought her flowers. She said "thank you" enthusiastically. Asked me to arrange them, smelled them and that was it. I leaned in for a kiss, she pulled away. That last one wasn't connected to the flowers.
She continues to hug and kiss the children. She posted in her parenting blog about how she uses physical cues with our children to smooth over rough edges, to make up after being short or angry or simply to just reconnect after time apart. She does not do this with me. She actively avoids it.
Why it's my fault: I married to be supported, not to support. I married, dated, to try and capture that feeling of being wanted by another rather than to offer the same. In short, I was selfish. I am selfish.
No, that's not to say I am unlovable, just that I had unrealistic expectations about being accepted solely for who I turned out to be when I bothered to actually find out. I was looking for unconditional love and acceptance and it didn't matter what I brought to the table. That omission, that failure to work out what I could offer, initially meant no relationships. Then it meant an unhealthy one that was better for me having broken it up - she grew as a person and became confident enough to gain the relationship she deserved. My second relationship still confuses me. Perhaps I should have avoided the allure or else recognised what was being offered - I was accepted at least and I spurned it because I was confused and inexperienced and didn't know what was being accepted.
Tilly... she loves me. But I cannot, and have not, supported her as she needed. The situation we are in is a direct consequence of that. She has moulded to adapt and I have not. She is happy. I am not.
And so perhaps I am unrealistic. No, I am unrealistic. I have always been unrealistic. It's why I was single for so long (I count single-ness as beginning around 15 when most of my friends had had 'relationships' rather than from 13 when my brother had his first proper relationship - he's abnormal in this) and why I only had two relationships before Tilly. I am odd, intense and, well, hardly a catch. Physically or spiritually or based on my personality.
Ah, depression, I've missed you.