After yesterday's post and some noodling around on the Experience Project sub-group called "I Live In A Sexless Marriage" I am prepared to offer one or two points:
1. The incidence of MRAs/PUAs is lower than I originally estimated. They clustered on the few posts I read to begin with.
2. My descriptions of Tilly are poor there. Or people there are prepared to believe the worst (and I don't blame them having read what they're going through).
3. Very few people have anything change for the better.
It did flag up a number of points and a quick discussion with Tilly flagged a few more. So, a history lesson follows where I shall try and get things straight. the line break is for your sanity.
Oh, an update on cross-dressing: since I injured my foot I haven't been able to put on my boots. I am still unable as of this writing. It makes cross-dressing hard as I rather like the heels. Sigh. I suppose I shall try without tomorrow morning if I'm up early enough. I managed to get enough work done today that I have nothing pressing provided I get out of bed before 6.30am.
Tilly has OCD. It's not as pronounced or as bad as it was when we met but I suppose one is never cured of such things. It still manifests when thinking about our children. It spiked on our first sexual experience together (resulting in two showers and multiple teeth cleanings before the act), immediately following the birth of the Girlie (she was isolated and alone, I'm not surprised) and during the depression after the birth of the Boy. Since then, then being about 2010-11, it's not bothered her much.
Our first sex was my first ever and her first healthy experience. Before me she'd had a drunken fumble that was, in her own words, "pretty awful" and that was it.
This directly contradicts some earlier posts. I remembered incorrectly, and may have been fuelled by anger and bitterness. Well, okay, was fuelled by those things. Also, may have conflated Toby with Tilly. Facts straight, Tilly has had just one sexual experience without me and it was "pretty awful".
I recall that I felt 'used' after one visit to her flat (no sex was had) as she got what she needed and I didn't. I also remember after she moved in that her refusal whenever I initiated sex was irritating enough that I tried to refuse back one night. Not my finest hour. Because I am me, I continued with this afterward and Tilly got the impression between March and August 2007 that I wasn't as interested in sex as she was. There would be bursts of sexual activity lasting a few days followed by long patches of her PMS when there was no sexual activity. It was all missionary and I rarely finished. To be honest, looking back, I think I misdiagnosed my lack of desire - I just wanted something more than she was prepared to offer.
The five times we did it to conceive the Boy were animalistic but in all the wrong ways. She got what she wanted, I didn't so much but it was sex and, after two years, I was pleased with anything.
I've blogged about the other experiences and the reasons why they are the way they were.
July 2011 was when Tilly officially found out that I still cross-dressed and provided the back-drop to my descent into full-blown depression and the setting up of this blog. It derailed her therapy to solve some of the issues surrounding the death of her grandparents and her upbringing - which led to resentment that she was wasting therapy time on my issues rather than hers, I guess. Soon after that she stopped therapy and I started mine.
One of the reasons I don't feel I got much from therapy was the fact that when it came to working out what was wrong with our relationship the therapist asked me to ask Tilly. Her list was not something I totally agreed with, it placed all the blame squarely onto me, but the therapist took it as Gospel. I rather suspect that me being a male cross-dresser had a lot to do with that. My chat with a psychotherapist did much to show me how people view what I do, and it is not edifying.
Today Tilly confirmed that she is not interested in sex at all and that it has nothing to do with any of these prior events (she brought that latter point up) but she did remind me about my being less into sex for those months back in 2007. So I don't know.
Masturbation is an option but it's losing its appeal these days, it's just a little depressing after all this time and, well, I would love to have some physical playfulness that I wasn't in complete control over. I guess. I don't think I was prepared to realise that I really would like to have a blow job one day only when that option was pretty much removed forever. I suppose I just didn't realise how much this is a depressing thing. I mean, I know that my latest funk was down to the conversation we had at the beginning of the Easter break some seven weeks ago now when Tilly made it clear that there would be no sex for the foreseeable future. This after complaining about her period's timing around Valentine's Day and dropping big hints about making a big thing about sex then, promising to return to it and then... nothing.
Not sure what to make of that. But there it is. A history lesson.
Words of warning and welcome:
This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.
It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!