Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Friday, 30 May 2014

Drying Up

These are what I shall be marking. The papers, not the girls.
On Thursday next week I start marking for the board again and I know that I shall lose most evenings and much of the weekends to hitting marking deadlines again. This happens every year and every year I try to keep this place afloat by stacking some articles in advance and then posting now and again with all the stuff that floats around my head. It's a reward for getting through a load of marking and sometimes serves to be some of the best stuff I post on here (in my opinion and that's no great yardstick).

This year I don't seem to be churning stuff out as much. No, not this year, just lately. I've managed to shove out a whole raft of Beer Reviews - which used to get as many views as my other posts but then my other posts started getting more views - but I'm very aware that they were only ever on here as part of my life experience rather than being the point of the blog.

Except reverse the genders. My Girlie is older.
Mind you, the Boy is very much more adventurous in how
he slaps pieces together and cares little for the end
result. If my Girlie can't see how to build a finished result
she won't even start.
My children have lego, they have seen a number of films and we have had visits from family. The home situation remains very much at the same place it has been for a while but I have viewed more stuff on Sex Positive attitudes and Feminism and... Before the recent drought these would all be issues that would be deserving of their own post - I would have things I wanted to say and this would provide me with the forum in which to air those views. Increasingly, however, I find that I am not really chasing things down the same way. It's like I have fleeting views and opinions but if I don't snatch them they fly away again. I'm not in the same place I have been for most of the life of the blog, and that's a good thing: I am happier in my job and situation. I can just 'nip out' to the shops. I can spend much less on daily lunches than ever before thanks to some of the bargain stores where I live. I eat better at work and at home. Hell, I bought new male clothes out of choice since moving jobs and houses.

In many ways things are very much more positive. They really are.

The best I could come up with to illustrate
a female academic.

Did it ever occur that image-heavy blogs
are a sign of a male author?

Text-heavy are more likely female writers.
Males are generally more visual than
tactile.
So why the funk about things that have remained the same? Things aren't worse at home between Tilly and I. In fact, on balance, they are better than they were when I started this blog and, indeed, may be at a pretty high point overall. But the changes aren't as large as they have been in other areas of my life. I have created unrealistic expectations.

And I don't mean the lack of sex. I am not owed sex and being kind is not a way of creating a sex response, no that's just down to the fact that I love Tilly. She is, after all, mother to my children and quite intelligent. Way more intelligent than me (no, really, I will not forgive her for her First in History or the fact she had straight As in A Level and mostly As in GCSEs) and very capable of having intellectual conversations on my level and above. More importantly, she can talk about high-level issues with people who are not familiar with them and do so in a way that is never threatening and can bring them into the conversations. In short, Tilly is often a better teacher than I. She is also on a second draft of a novel that continues to develop and get written. She has beta-readers that are critical, supportive and professional but, and this is crucial, who recognise that what she is writing has legs.

Tilly is better at all the things that I use to define myself. It's why I fell in love with her and asked her to marry me. I am not sure why she said yes.

I'mma just leave this here.
When one punches above one's weight the expectation is created that one will always be able to do so and, in a relationship sense, that's impossible. Please understand that I do not put Tilly on a pedestal. I think I have enough posts on here that prove that she can make mistakes and get things wrong. Some she accepts and others she does not. She is not some ineffably perfect being - we can debate and sometimes I win and sometimes she wins and sometimes there isn't even such a thing as winning. Our opinions on birth, co-sleeping and extended breastfeeding have all evolved together through mutual research, mutual challenge and eventual mutual positions. Indeed, we didn't know anything about these topics between us before we researched them together. Home education is another area we have researched and created a position on together where nothing existed beforehand. No, she does not lead through being perfect any more than I do. We have done these things together.


But the fact remains that, objectively speaking, Tilly is better at any of the things that I do that I use to define who I am. And that is more and more obvious to me now that things are better and I have the space to move beyond depression. It doesn't make Tilly a 'better person'. It just means that I find it hard to be me. I think this is where I fundamentally prove that I am male rather than female - something about the urge to prove proficiency and dominate seems to be typically male. Not to suggest that females aren't capable of the same, simply that society is very patriarchal...

Yeeouch.

And I'm losing my thread here. Perhaps not drying up, just not settled yet.

An oldie but a goldie.


Also, recently, I've been reviewing sexual fantasies. And I did say that I would try and write these up here not to titillate (many better sites than mine do a much more effective job than I at that, so I shan't compete) but as an exercise in being less ashamed of them and, hopefully, being better able to share them if the situation arises.

One of my latest seems to revolve around chastity and my Mad-Ex. Before I started going out with Toby I met one of her friends that seemed to like me and I liked her. Of course, as is usual in my stories of these things, I didn't notice her feelings toward me and simply assumed I was being the sad stalker type. Anyway, she was bisexual but mostly lesbian. She once asked Toby if she could 'borrow' me en femme when Toby was done with me. That comment has stuck with me ever since and is probably the root of the latest set of fantasy situations.

In these I go out en femme with Toby and somehow find myself bound and gagged at the house of the friend. Here she fits a chastity device, being lesbian she has no real desire for PIV sex or anything else involving a penis, and uses me as a maid on weekends. During the week, still in chastity, I have to carry out my work at the time but she knows that I have to come back to her. We agree to use a particular set of wigs, well, agree may be a strong term. Female Domination is a large part of this, as is the feminisation aspect of the dressing and the chastity uses a catheter, removing bladder control (by bypassing the muscles and causing instant draining) and thus necessitating (unrealistically I might add) the use of nappies (and thus introducing an element of infantilism into the situation).

It's been a while.
So we have the usual 'helpless' aspects of BDSM fantasies, the feminisation aspects that use the feeling of the clothes (keep in mind that the situation, though ostensibly 'against my will' is very much consensual - in real life I am well aware that there would be multiple avenues to 'escape' that I am aware are not taken in the fantasy) and the 'cared for' aspect of infantilism, though this is skewed from the usual positive portrayals and is aimed much more at an idea that responsibility would be taken by another. In many ways, that's a typical mother-replacement fantasy and based on the patriarchal assumption that males are ultimately man-children who need caring for by enslaved women who would never think of doing anything but providing that care. Even power-transfer fantasies are mostly patriarchal.

Wow. Well, no way anyone could mistake that analysis as pornography!

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!