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This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

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Tuesday, 15 April 2014

Ruminations

It's another TMI post, but a blessedly short one.


In the meantime, have an image!




After some discussion about the situation I shall now record the basic facts lest I forget them.

Tilly.


At least now, after being married to me.
I seem to recall a lot more sex and hormones when we met.
Tilly rarely thinks of sex or sexual things, it's not me, it's just something she's not fussed about. the concept of orgasming twice is not something she's interested in at all and would prefer not to try. Experimentation, as far as she is concerned, is something confined to the laboratory. Oral is something she receives for my benefit rather than something she actively enjoys and not something she would consider offering. Most of the time she is too tired to really contemplate having sex.

At the moment there is no mention of my lack of emotional connection or what I'd like to do with sex. She did, at least, assent to the idea that what I would like to do in sex is not something she would ever countenance (that being light bondage or experimentation with positions). She has no desire to try something else in the bedroom and, currently, no desire to actually have sex at all. With anyone. She does not foresee a time when this might change.

About the size of it.
Physical displays of affection are not something she's bothered about. Kissing is acceptable only because I seem to enjoy it, and I shouldn't expect to do that on the mouth and certainly not with tongues. Holding hands is generally out. Hugging is something done for me and for me only. She likes having her hair stroked, I could do that more often, but I shouldn't expect anything in return - not because I do, but because there's nothing she can do back for me (this is probably true given the restrictions above).

I always thought that I would be the one to put brakes on in a sexual relationship. I didn't consider any of my sexual desires particularly perverse or unusual. I appear to be in the wrong. At least in our relationship. I chose poorly. And now we have children.

Aye.

Tilly is still hot. Just... well, as unattainable as I thought
when I first saw her.
Not sure what else we have, to be honest. We watch TV together, we debate heavy topics and we live together. I mean, being joint carers for children is a heady responsibility but... Well, I wish I'd have known this back when we argued at that club on our first Christmas. I'd have let her end it and just driven her home. Chalked up the sex to my stupid libido and lived with the guilt and the disappointment. Instead I have helped bring children into this world in a marriage that will likely scar them emotionally and thus inflict on innocents what was inflicted on me. However, my mother and father had more hate-fucks than I've had sex in total, and that only really counts after we knew my father was leaving. So... what, three months? No, I exaggerate. Early on Tilly and I had sex more often. We probably broke fifty times in total before Tilly was pregnant with the Girlie. Ten times since then. My mother and father managed five times a week, so twenty. Yeah, I exaggerate.

Sorry. TMI.

4 comments:

  1. Joanna,

    I wish I had something grand to say. Something to suggest, something to hint at… anything that would do more than say I’m reading your posts and feel bad for the position you are in. I hate the idea that a couple can be together and not be completely compatible. My gut reaction is to say that you should look at possibly ending the relationship… but that’s a harsh suggestion from a mere voyeur of your life. I do appreciate the responsibility you are taking for your children wanting them to grow up in a two parent household. But at the same time I wonder if that’s actually good for the children.

    I guess my issues isn’t so much about your wife not wanting to experiment or even rally have sexual relations… it’s just the incompatibility. I believe my position would be the same if the positions were reversed. That’s to say if you had no interest in having sex and she was interested and kept pressing you to do so, I’d still feel the same sorrow.

    I’m not writing this up well at all, and I’m sorry for that. I know that there is now direct way that I can help, but I can at least post this here and send you warm thoughts.

    C

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, C, your comment is directly helpful. Just knowing that people are reading is very helpful indeed.

      And yes, I at least now know what people meant when they said to be careful with sexual compatibility. Until recently I just didn't know what I was looking for, I guess. And hey, tastes change, one of the biggest barneys we had was when I refused sex initiated by Tilly back at the start of our relationship so it wasn't always as above.

      Delete
  2. Jo, dear, I am reading also. And similarly lacking in advice. It all just makes me very, very sad for the situation you are in. You will disagree, I'm sure, but I think you deserve better. I just don't see how it can get better with only one party trying.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you.

      In Tilly's defence, I'm not sure I'm trying either.

      Delete

All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!