Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Ancient History

This post is a bit of a nothing post. I could have posted it at any point in the life of this blog or at any point in the future. For very unclear and undefined reasons I am writing it tonight. It deals with my personal history of relationships, physical milestones and other tangentially interesting minutiae that you could just as easily skip and not read.

I guess it goes under the TMI file so be warned.

Mine have thin lace trim around the hems.
But these'll do for illustration purposes.
I guess this is just for my own interest. I can't imagine that anyone reading this will gain anything from it. I just figured that I needed to record this information now for reasons that aren't entirely making themselves know to me right now. For context, I am surviving work and organising job interviews (which is quite liberating) but finding the hour change to BST difficult. I've been finiding getting up in a morning very hard and have sort of missed meals for the last few days. I am also wearing my ivory coloured knickers as I was unable to find a pair of boxers this morning. There are plenty washed, I know, but being so late up and finding it hard to focus meant that I just plumbed for the box of femme items in my wardrobe and found knickers there. I was so zonked with tiredness that I forgot I was wearing them at work when I went to the loo - this is particularly unusual given my proclivity for wearing such items to bolster confidence. Also, despite saying I was writing a shit novel, well, re-writing someone else's shit novel, I haven't touched that for a while. The weekend has already been related. So... no, no clue either.

First Crush
Holy shit, there's only one photo of my school. It's been
closed down.

Nothing on the uniform (grey jumper, trousers/shorts/skirt,
white shirt/blouse and red tie on elastic) and no view of the
other blocks (including the 1930s canteen) or the church
where we had assemblies.
Much sadness.
A girl, Jane, at primary school when I was five. She was too. I remember thinking that she was clever and pretty and fun. I wanted to be friends with her but always got embarrassed. Does that count?

If not, then we have to wait a long time until I was about sixteen when I had two at once. Anna and Caroline. I would have happily dated either of them for completely different reasons. Anna was very much a townie and would have enjoyed nights out, restaurants and being spoiled with flowers and baths and the like, you know the type. She was almost as tall as me, tall for girls her size, and fun to be around. A tad on the cold and domineering side, but great hair and dress sense. Caroline was a bit mad. She was a farmer's daughter and given to wild impulses. She had tremendous hair too. Small, on the petite side, and full of energy. Completely unpredictable. Both devout Christians (CofE flavoured) and best friends with one another. A recipe for disaster.

Mind you, there are a litany of girls that I fancied from the age of five through to my first actual relationship at age 18 in University. I guess they all count as crushes. The only odd thing, I suppose, is that I actually thought in those terms. I've posted before about my apparently highly-sexualised childhood thoughts and this just adds grist to that mill. Mind you: admiration, envy and attraction are a heady mixture that I still have a hard time separating out.

First Romantic Hug
Except I was in her position and Anna in
his. And I kept my crotch well away from
I turned eighteen. Anna, see above, agreed to dance with me as part of her birthday present to me. I was very tipsy and very aware that I had a very obvious part of my body. We hugged, awkwardly, and I was very grateful to her for doing that. Yes, it was slightly romantic, but I was under no illusions then or now about what that meant. It was solely as part of my birthday and there was nothing more to it. She didn't offer a kiss before or after and I didn't push for one. She bought me a drink afterwards and I said thank you (specifically for the drink and the dance and the hug, so three times). She laughed and smiled. I blushed. The end.

It was actually pretty positive for that. I didn't actually hug anyone else, family included, until I was in my first relationship later that year. And then, when that fell apart, not again until I was twenty-one. That wasn't romantic though. So, until I was 24? Yeah, that sounds right.

First Kiss
Like this but with more awkwardness.
We're going with romantic here. I'm not counting kissing family members (no, as family!). That would be at 18, with my first relationship at University. Just before Christmas (we'd been going out since October). It was followed by the first kiss with tongues not long afterwards but mostly it remained open mouthed with little exchange of anything after that point. It feels a little sad to think that I had my first romantical kiss so late and that it was such a let-down. I hadn't built it up at all, it was simply something I thought would happen, but it was a bit... flat. We got better at it, and I can't complain about that, and there were many better kisses. I guess I'm just bummed that I waited so long.

First Date
I'm counting this as the first assignation specifically for romantic purposes with a partner who was also along for the same reason and we went alone. There are plenty of social occasions that I attended and that were attended by girls I fancied where I would attempt to talk to the object of my affection but I'm fairly certain that they don't really count here.

I did pay.
It was a meal to commemorate one year of being with my first relationship, so I would have been 19, and it was to a local pub for a meal - quite nice as I recall - we played footsie a bit. Well, no, she played footsie and I didn't stop her. I was already planning to end the relationship by this point so I guess it's a poor example? The rest of our relationship took place at large social gatherings or round each other's rooms at University digs. By this point we were both renting rooms at the same house, across the landing, and we saw each other less in that house than we had in Uni digs the year before when we were two floors apart. We hadn't managed more than one night in the same room, and that night was mainly to let her sleep because we'd stayed up too late. I did manage to convince her to go topless that night, bra on (obviously and it was a lovely lacy one in white, I think she'd planned it) and I'd sat in shorts. I don't think either of us really got anything from that. I just thought that's what you did in a relationship.

First Time Holding Hands in Public
I always tried to go for the submissive had hold, I
discovered later.
Sometime in the first three months of that first relationship. It felt nice. In my second relationship we did that a little more in public and I still liked it. With Tilly we did it a lot in the early days, less when she moved in and then stopped completely after she was found she was pregnant with the Girlie. We resumed a little back in 2011, then stopped again until late 2012, with infrequent and short hand-holds in public through 2013 and a long session at the park earlier in March 2014.

First Full Night Together
This was with Toby before we actually started going out around New Year when I was 24. I slept on her floor and we slept. I made her laugh in the morning by hiding in my sleeping bag and fishing for clothes with just my arm out. I was touched by her amusement and she was amused by my shyness. This led to many nights shared together and we shared a bed after the second time. Of course we did. There was nothing in that first night to suggest that there would be more and, I'll be honest, it was a great night. I loved the morning, the innocence of the thrill and the fact that we shared breakfast. We talked long into the morning and slept long into the next morning. No pressure. No, this was all positive and lovely.

First Mutual Masturbation
We were neither of us porn stars.
Therefore we were both very hairy.
We used hands on each other's bits. She came first and this was repeated (unexpectedly for me, she just kept my hand moving a lot and then told me afterward that it had been more than once). She was loud and happy. I was grateful to have been able to do that for her. It was with Toby and I would have been 24 and it was in her bed. I came later than that and she made me wait before cleaning myself up, not in a dominant way, but in a way that allowed us to share an embrace or two (without me getting stuff on her) and have a bit of a loving snuggle. It was a good experience, all told, and the first time anyone other than me had held my bits in a sexual way. It was repeated in the future but, I'll be honest, as much as I enjoyed the attention I preferred masturbating her. I think we hit a nice groove with a roughly 3:1 ratio of me doing her to her doing me, though I know that about four months in she was upset that I wasn't open to being done as often as she was. I thought I was being nice.

First Shared Bath
Not happened.

First Shared Shower
We didn't kiss, but you get the idea.
Was with Toby. We were fully nude. We lathered each other up and we touched each other's sexual parts but that was all, just touched, we were both pretty worked up by that point anyway so we agreed not to go further. It was a lovely experience and we hugged a lot doing it. It was also a one-off (she was staying over at my flat) and has never since been repeated with anyone. I would have been 24 still as it was around March of that year. It's certainly something I would like to try again but we no longer even have a shower in the house so... I guess this will remain elusive.

First Blow Job
Not happened.

First Going Down
Tilly's reaction to this.

I think.

She doesn't want to talk about it.
This would be with Tilly, after she had moved in and after we had actually had sex a few times. It would be after the miscarriage and before she was pregnant with Girlie. So, that places it in the summer just after I turned 27. I think I enjoyed it more than she did and think that I still do. I mean, she's not complaining and she does enjoy it, but she's in no hurry to repeat the experience, at any point really, and lets me just get on with it when the mood takes us. I think she finds it pleasurable enough but I also get the impression that I come a very distant second to her doing herself. I'd like to think that it comes a distant second to actually having sex but I rather suspect that to be untrue. I don't know where having sex comes for Tilly but I would suggest that it's somewhere below making chocolate krispies with the children.

First Sex
I took this whilst she was doing her teeth for the second
time. Before she had her second shower. After I'd done
mine twice. Teeth, that is, I'd had a shower already.

I can, however, recommend rose petals. They are
pretty harmless for sex and actually smell nice
during the act. Well worth it.
Not counting mutual masturbation or dry runs (that is, humping but fully clothed - first time at age 19). This was in the October of the year Tilly and I got together in Oxford. We were in a Tudor aged four poster at an exclusive hotel. I bought roses for the occasion and prepared hugely for it. She climaxed about twenty minutes in, she'd done it before, but I failed to complete my own job the entire weekend we were there. I mean, I had the means and I enjoyed what we were doing but I just remained... ready? Anyway, we tried several times that weekend and she gamely kept going after climaxing and losing interest but she remained the only party to reach a climax from that act. I get the impression that I measured up poorly to her previous attempts with others. It was very vanilla. There was little in the way of playfulness, she planned it with military precision and insisted that I brush my teeth twice (and before she did) to go anywhere. We both had to shower first too. She washed immediately after we finished and then came back to go to sleep, which she did in moments. We didn't talk much after the act and there wasn't any snuggling. This remains a feature to this day when we actually have sex too. There was no foreplay at all, despite my attempts to start some. Since that time I've kind of given up trying, I'll be honest, if Tilly is in the mood we'll go straight to the sex part, PIV (if I'm lucky we'll pause long enough for me to go down on her), and then she'll go and get cleaned up and go to sleep.

Like I say, I'm not sure what the purpose of this was/is. It's just a post. It has too much information. It involves sex. Not much cross-dressing. I don't know.

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