I'll admit it came out of nowhere. Tilly wanted to clear up that she did not have am issue with the receipt yesterday. After all, as she pointed out, it's not like I was getting all in her face about it. She still feels that the guilt and the sneaking around means that the activity is wrong and would prefer it if I stopped and hates the people that say "I wouldn't mind if my husband did it" because they would but she wanted me to know that she wasn't getting at me. She is just worried you see, I bought the skirt when out with the Boy and, well, what if he noticed? What if he wondered why Daddy was buying a skirt? And, if I said it was for her, then the shop assistants might remember and ask Tilly about it and then, when she denied knowledge of any purchase, then the shop assistant would know. And the Boy would know. And it may embarrass me. And, you know, she was worried that, if I was buying clothes regularly from the same shop, then they would recognise me and know I was buying for myself. And when I went in with the Boy then he might get tarred with the same brush. And he could be hurt. You know?
Seriously. This is what she said.
She also said that she wanted to apologise for acting unreasonably back in July 2011 when I opened up to her fully about dressing. She was out of line but I made her feel stupid. I made her feel guilty. I made her feel lied to when I said I hadn't worn her clothes because I had, the ones that she threw out six months previous to my wearing them. She hates being made to feel stupid and guilty about things and reacts badly to that. She is quite prepared to talk academically about cross-dressing and, indeed, me cross-dressing. Before we moved, when she mentioned she knew what I had in my bag? She was fine with that, right? She just felt I should use my bag. And it's not like I dress when she's around and she really doesn't want to know any details, and if I was really trying to hide it then I would have thrown the receipt away. It's not anything at all to do with her.
It worries her that I might pass it on to the Boy because I don't remember my formative years and it's perfectly possible that something happened to make me a transvestite. Maybe I saw my father buying female clothes or maybe I saw him dressed up or maybe... Anyway, I have to be careful, or I'll pass it on to my Boy. And saying that it could be down to genetics is like a way of absolving any blame or guilt from what is, still, socially unacceptable behaviour. There can't be any reputable scientific studies done on it because everyone has an agenda and so I can't trust anything they propose to explain it. After all, any such study could only be done on people willing to come forward and, she reckons, most people would not. Oh, and women can't cross-dress because it's socially acceptable for women to wear trousers now.
This was all actually coming out of her mouth. Two separate conversations. From a woman who is adamant that she was born bisexual (genetic) and that she has stopped being bisexual (choice).
Well, at least we're talking about it. I, uh, didn't manage to call her on any of this. Like I say, I was unprepared. So....
Does anyone have any studies I can read? I have researched it a bit already, but you're likely to have avenues I haven't considered or at least articles I haven't seen. Why are some people cross-dressers? (As opposed to all, not why are some subsets of cross-dressers cross-dressers).
Words of warning and welcome:
This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.
It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!