Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Friday, 6 December 2013

Brace yourselves!

As hinted at in my last post there's been a lot on this week. What, with visiting Tilly's cousin, not getting all of my work done generally, two colleagues off ill (at different points), realising that my hair is too damn' long and buying a set of bracelets it's been pretty non-stop. The first thing is the bracelets, I suppose and I ought to explain that as this is a place of honesty after all.

Apart from the chain, of course, I'd
happily have this style.

Toby would suggest capris.
A long time ago, when I first confronted the fact that I was cross-dressing without having the cover of it pleasing someone else (my mad-ex, Toby, always said I looked good dressed and so I used to make-believe that I did it only for her benefit), I posted that I was cross-dressing and sought to get to the bottom of it. Several helpful people offered views on things but it was a big thing that I wasn't stealing clothes of other people (I think most people assumed I was still at University, I wasn't, and sharing a house, I lived alone). So it was, being autistic, that it became a big thing that I really only ought to dress in my own stuff, stuff that I bought or that others had thrown out. I failed in that sometime last week. I succumbed to the temptation to try on some of Tilly's bracelets that she had left in the kitchen one morning. And the feeling of them was electric. It lasted only about ten minutes but it was completely indescribable. It put me in mind of the incident that started this whole blog going in the first place and how I felt then.

Of course I repeated it. and, much like the first incident in this blog, it wasn't as powerful the second time. So, after a while, I took them off. And one of them broke. It was an elastic based one, cheap costume jewellery from a fancy dress shop, with metal beads that hid the elastic. They were flat with a simple concentric circle design on each one. It was already pretty weak, fraying in places, and very loose. It just sort of went when I took it off. Nary even a ping, just finally gave out. Not too much pressure just reached its last. I narrowly escaped suspicion in that, and that's not really right, I know.

If I looked like this when I felt like this I probably wouldn't
feel like this.

That's, like, the inception of comments about an image.
At the same time, both children have been ill in the last week and I have spent most evenings in work until late. A parents' evening on the Wednesday, marking on the Thursday and then tonight I was out with the people who play football (interestingly, all male). So Tilly has been doing most of the parenting and failing to get the house in order. She's been frayed and irritable, the children have been sharing a bed with her whilst I've been sleeping in another room. In fairness this is hardly different from the situation normally, we share a room rather than a bed these days and never go to bed at the same time. Mostly I'm already asleep by the time Tilly goes to bed and, in the morning, I may be lucky enough to see one or both children but never Tilly before I go to work. Essentially I'm still living alone. In typical passive-aggressive style I have thus failed to feel all that guilty about the bracelet.

Instead, on a trip to get some basics we were running short on, I detoured and got a set of three pearl-effect bracelets. On elastic, so they are tight around the wrist, with one of them having a chain of five slightly larger beads to set a centre. All three have black metal loops around the 'top' beads that I assume are there to attach things to (I'm thinking artificial flowers and the like). I wore them to bed and loved the feeling. Wearing them again this morning was similarly good and nice.

This is actually reasonably close to what my hair looked
like out of the shower. Except my fringe is sadly shorter
than that.

I am vaguely jealous of this nameless woman.
Is that sad? I think it's sad.
At the same time, after the football, I took a shower and noticed in the mirror (this was in a private staff only changing room, so I was alone, the house does not have a shower) that my hair is now longer than Tilly's in places. Indeed, a little styling and I had a slightly right of centre parting that looked almost feminine. The hair at the back is long enough that it has begun to curl round to the left naturally and it's long enough to be tucked behind my ear. I confess that I kinda like it. It may feel too long and irritate my ears and get in the way of my collar but this has to be the longest I've manged to let my hair grow in, well, forever I think. I don't know. Last had it cut in July so, quite possibly, the longest it's ever been. I know that, at some point, I'll have to get it cut but, for the moment, I'm happy to put that off as long as I can. With one of the headlights out on the car and a noise that suggests a hose has come loose in the engine I may have enough of an excuse to forego hair cutting in favour of catching up on marking whilst the car is being fixed tomorrow. Barbers will be shut on Sundays and then that's another week bagged.

Tinsel now adorns our hallway, there's a tree in the living room, and arts and crafts leavings litter the dining room table. I do appreciate what Tilly is able to do with the children, I would not do well doing arts and crafts with them and I hate Christmas decorations, but that doesn't dull the feelings of antipathy here. This is very much my problem, I can't ask others to go with me on this. Like my desires in the physical realm of sex, they are odd and they are unusual enough that I am the one that should seek to change to fit rather than expect others to work around me.

Right, I am going to finish my beer and go to bed. Sleep well if you read this at that time, otherwise I simply bid you a good day.

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!