Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Monday, 30 September 2013

The Coming and the Going

Another week and another trip home at the weekend.

The events:
Arrive home late Friday to a house in chaos, but children are already asleep.
Tilly and I share a welcome and companionable takeout.
After chatting we retired to bed.

Nuclear option.
Attack warning's not a fucking drill.
When you hear the air-attack warning
You and your family should take cover...

Two Tribes can go to war
Make money working
For the Bad guys.
Saturday was spent with me in primary care-giver role, not a bad thing.
Over the course of the day, spent sorting house things, girlie and boy push buttons.
Whilst out girlie throws first major strop, Tilly does not deal with it.
Strops continue at home, increasing in intensity and directed at me.
Tilly takes a two hour nap.
Tilly awakes and offers me job of getting the pet out or taking kids to bed, I choose latter.
Tilly gets upset that I do not like the pet, throws a wobbly about it.
Girlie explodes. Much shouting.
I break. Nuclear option taken, not proud of self, walk away too late and call Tilly in, we swap jobs.
Evening spent in discussion.

Sunday begins with me apologising to Girlie. It, predictably, does not work.
Tilly tries to counsel Girlie, she has buried events for now.
We sort more house stuff.
I leave.
Tilly and I speak online about events of Saturday night.

Chase solicitors.
Finally get an exchange of contracts, we're on for moving.
Day ends.

The conversation:
After I took the nuclear option... Oh let's stop pussy-footing around it, I spanked my daughter once. After saying that I never would. I failed to walk away in time. I failed. She did not fail, I failed. Because the action of spanking, even once, is a failing of the parent and not the child.

So, Tilly and I did our usual unpacking of things.

We talked sex.

Tilly shared that she feared that she 'wasn't enough' for me. I have trouble reaching climax in our coitus, not enjoined since whenever it was last spoken of on here, I forget. True enough, we can last upwards of an hour before I can let go enough. She worried that she wasn't enough. She's done some reading, this sort of thing breaks up relationships. But not us. Not us.

Apparently, based on her reading, this is psychological. She worries where my mind is going when I do manage to climax. And I suppose she is right to. It is in BDSM. It is in forced fem. It is not with her. Not with her. But the 'other stuff' she finds perverse. It is not 'normal' though she accepts that nothing is.

She stated that she was happy with the way things had been last time. But that she avoided foreplay because of 'how long it was likely to take' to get me off. That me not getting off was something that made her feel that she had failed. It was stressful. She felt under pressure to climax herself. It was not fun, it was the antithesis of fun. But, hey, she was happy with that, right? One does not support the other.

She said I was stressed and that was why I played the nuclear card. She made excuses. But she reiterated that she did not feel enough. I sometimes started things but then I let it lie. I started the 'date night' thing twice and then never again. I do not initiate. Except when I talk about sex and that makes her uncomfortable. Like when we were looking at beds in IKEA and I shared my love of wrought iron frames and made reference to 'other reasons' that I liked them. She does not want a bed that reminds me of tying her up to it. Or rather, that reminds her of me thinking of bondage.

If we could have a better coitus then maybe she would consider the 'other stuff'. We did it once. On her first night at my place. I handcuffed her to the bed and told her I'd lost the key (half true, I never said the latter part) and she irritated me by being random. I told her that was not true. That I actually liked her exuberance that night. That it was part of what made me love her. This is true.

We did not discuss my dressing, I did not want to discuss something like that in a rushed sense after something so cataclysmic. Tilly opined that nothing ever got discussed until I had exploded. Most of what I said was explained as being 'slightly accusatory' and she was "sick of being accused".

Part of the discussion was about conversation whilst I have been away. Talking to her online, via facebook, was typified as being like an ex of hers that she used to get very upset with stalking her on facebook. I was 'always there' and popping up when she didn't want me. Why didn't we talk on the phone? I explained my phone was out of minutes. She could phone me. We agreed to do that.

Last night we spoke on facebook, her insistence. We barely spoke. My fault. I asked about how the Girlie was bearing up and inquired after the counselling Tilly had provided. Today we chased and eventually caught an exchange of contracts. We are on for moving. She said she would text when ready to talk. That was at 6.45pm.

She's on facebook as I type. No text. No interest. I can't initiate contact.

But if I don't, then what do I expect?

Maybe we aren't compatible (though I don't believe in that at all, a lack of compatibility is the result of one or both people in a relationship not being arsed to find out what the other wants). Maybe she would do 'other things' if she felt like she was enough. Maybe she wouldn't. I don't think she would. And, as ever, when I lead with "maybe I'm in the wrong", it is confirmed. I don't know how to question her without being 'accusatory' and setting up a discussion only results in me being wrong, end of discussion.

But, I am wrong.


  1. Have you had your insides checked out? I know a few guys that have issues where it sort of hurts to cum .. I forgot what its called, but there a few medical reasons why it takes awhile for a guy to unload. For me, its usually on purpose, but there a quite a few things that make guys take forever to shoot off. Then again, I like to be in control of everything, and delaying as long as possible could be another one of those things where I am micromanaging everything.

    1. I can reassure you that it isn't painful. My issue seems twofold: control (too much required) and a feeling that what Tilly is doing isn't really what does it for me.

      Sorry, typing on a really old keyboard with blank keys to get temporary internet.

  2. Incompatibility is a real thing, Jo. Being able to talk about and listen to one another's deepest desires is one thing. Being able to stomach those things is quite another. My wife knows full well that I would love to take a more female role or presentation during bed hijinks. And I know that I would perform better if I were at ease with myself. It won't happen, and the thought of it wears on her.

    I don't know that carrying on with charades is the healthiest thing a couple can do. It seems that Tilly likes painting you into a corner and watching you squirm, because she doesn't give you a way to succeed. Everything you try is wrong, and not trying is even more wrong. It's cruel and it's not a partnership.

    Just sayin'...

    1. It may wear on her but I think we're both guilty of taking it all on ourselves, my dear, and that, I think, is typically male in these regards. Or, at least, it seems awfully common in our chosen community!

      I shall write more when able!


All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!