Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Saturday, 14 September 2013

Broken Violins

Sapphism or just a rich friendship?
Is there a distinction?
One of my new colleagues, starting at the same time as me but new to our profession, has forwarded for my reading pleasure her dissertation on lesbianism in the nineteenth history. She warned me that she got 'ranty' in it but, given some of the ridiculous assertions she has quoted from historians ("lesbianism cannot exist without the language of lesbianism and thus cannot have existed before the term, coined by Freud, as women would not have been able to communicate what to do with one another." I want to find the historian responsible for this stupidity and beat them) I can understand.

I have also 'discovered' Bastille. I have referenced them on here already but not I have downloaded pretty much all of the covers that they have done and listened to these on CD all the way between where I've been staying and home on the journey yesterday. No. Why would I do that? I can feel that there is a review in the offing of these albums because I was going to do that tonight before this post took a turn for the unexpected, so, I shall leave this paragraph here as a placeholder and the music video below by way of explanation.

In the approach to Tilly's birthday I have started actively looking for another angle in gift giving with watches and bracelets in a possibly doomed attempt to try something more romantic than a DVD and a takeout which has been our staple to one another since the birth of our children. This is fraught and a bit of a minefield as Tilly hates surprises (most of the gifts she has received in her life are chosen and bought by her with money being supplied after the fact) and distrusts my tastes and motivations in anything of this nature. I am barred from buying her clothing of any kind, even supplying money for clothes she chooses (as then there would be pressure to wear it), already. We had a surprising talk today too, in that neither of us saw it coming, about our relationship.

And, of course, part of me wanted to say:
"Well, what's wrong with wanting to have
 a young love?" But I suspect that's part of
my emotional illiteracy, my intensity and my
overall draining nature.

It seems that whenever we discuss this it
becomes a listing of the issues and problems
that I bring and we never move past that.
Tilly pointed out that my intensity was negatively draining when it came to our relationship and that this limited her ability to 'give' anything emotional in return. This was particularly apparent in our physical relationship where I seemed to lust after a 'teenaged' conception of what a relationship is: holding hands and hugging in public. These things are, apparently, emotionally illiterate conceptions of a relationship. My intensity stems, says Tilly, from a void where I was not provided with something in the past that she is not capable of filling for me. She worried that what we did physically was never going to be 'good enough'. However, the fault was clearly with me, because she found our physical intimacy recently (back in April/May) as being perfectly good enough. We were "muddling along" quite nicely and that was surely enough. I explained that Tilly is only my third relationship and thus the language of love that I speak is like German - I know some terms but I am by no means fluent. At some points I am reduced to the relationship equivalent of shouting out random words and badly translated idioms. Therefore I have no idea when I am being unreasonable nor how to gauge when this is the case. I posited that 'muddling along' was all very well but I wanted us to do better than that, that 'good enough' was fine but that I thought we should strive for higher than that in our relationship. It was a relatively short conversation and we haven't been back to it.

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