|That is probably true on one level but how|
much of that truth is down to a sea-change
in how our culture perceives sex and all its
different forms and how much is down to a
timeless quality? Was Prehistoric sex kinky?
To the warning! This post will be dealing with fetishes, fantasies and kinks - what they are, reactions to them and some musing on how these things are seen in popular culture, especially how our modern culture has become more porn-aware and how much readily available pornography has changed how people view and deal with sex and sexual attraction in the western world. If that is your bag, then by all means read on. If it isn't, don't. Did you see my post above about Eurovision? Go read that! You'll still make me feel all wibbly by your pageviews and that does me fine.
Since we started the whole having coitus thing again, we've managed three times, Tilly and I have discussed some things, albeit briefly and quickly, whilst in action and immediately afterward. I noted that, the second time, we were much more playful. We changed positions and we were rough and gentle in turn. She held me down and I held her down. She seemed to really like being held down, and I whispered that maybe she'd want to wear a collar too, she seemed less turned on or off and more completely confused, nonplussed, by the suggestion.
|Look at these things. I had no idea that they even|
existed as a thing before today. Most of the time
I assumed that cat ears on a headband were
pretty darn kinky, but these take it to a whole new
level of kink. /sarcasm
Downstairs I looked up some ears and found that there is a vast choice of them. I found some that weren't too pricey but still looked qualitative as a 'joke' present. I shared the knowledge with Tilly when she joined me downstairs and we were talking about dental hygiene and monster trucks again. Every time I try to bring up topics about playfulness, my term, in sexual relations or doing things beyond simple man-on-top-missionary then she says it's 'kinky' and doesn't really go further than that. It's almost as though some society based prudishness or definition of what sex ought to be is preventing her from considering... well, anything other than man-on-top-missionary. What more could anyone want?
|Normal, standard and 'safe; positioning. However,|
I learned in looking for this that the legs-together
aspect is, itself, considered a kink. Who knew.
In this version my attempts to be 'more playful' are, in fact, the consequence of me reading sites such as fictionmania and magazines like the single copy of Forum I bought in Sixth Form. That is, at some point I started the slow road to conditioning my sexual response without a full appreciation of what was going on. By jacking off with toilet roll tied like ribbon on my wrists and neck or with string made handcuffs I was, in fact, perverting my normal desires. These things grew from the immersion in a culture that objectified sex with porn elements even if I was unaware.
|So, this sort of rhyme, taught me by a friend when we were|
both ten, is a bit... not normal.
Thus, at university, looking up 'spanking' and ABDL and TG stuff on the internet, still a very new thing for me, created a set of sexual mores and desires in me that was out of step with what is normal and acceptable. Add to that the generally more 'open' attitude to sex and pornography in society (using bondage to sell everything fro m razors to freshly prepared sandwiches; lesbians to promote child care and toothpaste; kinky boots to sell everything from cars to mayonnaise) and you have a recipe for creating unrealistic expectations of what goes on in the bedroom. Couple it with my mother's method of dealing with the collapse of her marriage to my father (sharing details of him asking to watch her and the next door neighbour having sex, the ownership of baby-doll night wear etc) and you have me. That is, my idea of safe and playful sex is actually very weird and strange, worthy of dismissal generally.
|This would be the correct response to this kind of kink|
then, and would handily explain and support the view
that Tilly has of such things. It's all a bit odd and
well, a bit distasteful, darling.
In short, Tilly is right and I am in need of counselling and possible corrective therapy in order to enjoy sex 'normally' because, right now, it;s not doing it for me. I lied the other day about finishing the job, for example, and Tilly was taken in (thank goodness).
In this version the whole vanilla thing is actually a byproduct of a male dominated society in which the male's needs are the most important in sex. It makes a lot of sense. The woman, in the standard model, has her legs together to increase the tightness, the position on the floor/bed of lying down means that the vaginal canal is bent slightly, creating a natural spot to stimulate the head of the penis without actually allowing either party to properly stimulate the clitoris. As most women do not climax from vaginal stimulation but from clitoral stimulation it is reasonable to assume that men get the better deal and women are not expected to enjoy it. This can be combined with the 'usual' and socially acceptable fantasies of men holding women's wrists and being up against a wall. In all cases it is the man who gets the better deal and the woman who is subservient and powerless.
|Male domination and the strange|
de-agentification of women so that they
can play no part in their own rescue or
In this male-centric and Victorian-sponsored model of sexual decency the permutations that are 'acceptable' are restricted and limited. Anything that does not conform to this social model would be repressed and strange and beyond the pale. The idea of introducing play items would be severely curtailed, allowed in some cases but by no means normal, or based on powerplay. The whole act of sex becomes another aspect of the master/servant relationship of middle-class industrialisation with any 'acceptable' perversions (note the word-choice) reinforcing male-dominance (yes, even femdom) and the act as a power transfer. Hence we have a focus on things like anal, bondage and role-reversal (that last one is very telling if you unpack it).
In this model I am not so much conditioned as unconditioned. In that I respond to my own desires that predate what I heard in the playground and that my boundaries have been created after the fact. My urges in the restriction of limbs and the reversal of roles in the bedroom are, in fact, natural (whatever that means) and no more kinks than clitoral stimulation is.
Either way, Tilly is unlikely to change to accommodate my sexual preferences simply because she does not understand why they would be. She would be unwilling, in either model, to accept that my feelings on the matter are anything other than 'strange' either because they are or because she is conditioned to believe that they are. Then there is the complicating factor that I do not come across as someone who would have non-normative sexual desires generally, my friends who tell me that I do not appear on their kink-dar or the fact that in conversation it is normally assumed, by anyone, that I am not only vanilla but totally unaware of more adventurous sexual practice - I am seen as 'innocent' by all and sundry. Tilly's reactions to my more worldy observations on sexual practice have always been suggestive of someone who has been shown a cute bunny shouting "shitcock" - that is, it is unexpected and a non-sequitor.