|I guess this is part of who I would|
like to be. Or maybe who Joanna
First, Tilly and I. Things appear... well, good at the moment. We talk on most evenings, though we still retreat behind our laptops, and we actually have and share physical contact. Things are still rather one-sided, but I can't complain and you won't find me doing so. I actually seem to rather enjoy being the one who gives. She's a bit concerned over how long it takes me to finish the job but I aim to allow her two jobs and that seems to work for me, even if she thinks I am completely odd. There are still strained moments but we get through and get by. We share the looking after the kiddlies a little more, though I'm still the go-to guy for the Boy and the Girlie in the night and so end up being tired at work. I guess that's the pay-off I negotiated when I decided to stop being in charge and work less so I could spend time with my children. It has its rewards: when Girlie bought her art book she talked to me about it and the Boy is content to share time with me when I play on the laptop after work. Okay, we're no closer discussing anything to do with my cross-dressing or the fact that I spent money on a blouse and floopy skirt a while back nor my love of dance and singing, but things are much better than they were.
|See, doesn't she look so happy? I guess|
that I would share that happiness
if I were dressed like that.
Now, okay, this was through text and nothing actually happened. But I found it interesting how much I played around what the other person wanted, how easy it was for me to give them what they were looking for, what they ordered and what they asked. I didn't really push for anything being my way or for anything that I would have considered my kind of fantasy. I simply took it as read that we were playing his fantasy - at least, I assume he is a he. After all, he assumed I was a she. This does link to the business with Tilly too. I view our sex as being very much about her and her enjoyment. I always have. My over-analysis that turned her off sex for so long was primarily concerned with how I could improve her experience of sex and the sensations therein. It occurs to me that if she ever reciprocates and asks about my fantasies that I don't really know what I would say to her. I still don't really know what they are. The two posted on here hardly have anything to do with sex - they are about dressing up or being a 'damsel in distress' figure waiting for a knight on a white charger. They aren't really to do with sex at all.
|Yes, I could live quite happily|
with this. Being collared has a
certain je ne sais quoi.
Is that what masculinity is? Tilly seems to think so, society certainly thinks so and the behaviour of my male partner in the cyber sex would seem to indicate that it is so. Masculinity is being in something for oneself without really considering the other. It is to be in it to shoot one's load and then fuck off. My view has always been to take longer about things, to learn more about what other people want and then attempt to provide as much of that as I can with my own skills. It is the same at work too. And the distrust I encounter when being male and doing that is very telling.