Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Thursday, 9 May 2013

Feminism and Masculinism

I guess this is part of who I would
like to be. Or maybe who Joanna
already is.
Hard to know what to say on here at the moment. Work remains hard, I still hate organising trips and the marking is ramping up; I'm still incredibly lazy, this morning I nearly didn't bother getting out of bed at all; Tilly and I have now had sex again, in a much more playful and exploratory way than we have for a good five years, maybe longer; and I still feel no guilt but a certain sense of oddness about engaging in cyber-sex with someone I don't even know and am unlikely to meet in real life. As a woman. As a submissive.

First, Tilly and I. Things appear... well, good at the moment. We talk on most evenings, though we still retreat behind our laptops, and we actually have and share physical contact. Things are still rather one-sided, but I can't complain and you won't find me doing so. I actually seem to rather enjoy being the one who gives. She's a bit concerned over how long it takes me to finish the job but I aim to allow her two jobs and that seems to work for me, even if she thinks I am completely odd. There are still strained moments but we get through and get by. We share the looking after the kiddlies a little more, though I'm still the go-to guy for the Boy and the Girlie in the night and so end up being tired at work. I guess that's the pay-off I negotiated when I decided to stop being in charge and work less so I could spend time with my children. It has its rewards: when Girlie bought her art book she talked to me about it and the Boy is content to share time with me when I play on the laptop after work. Okay, we're no closer discussing anything to do with my cross-dressing or the fact that I spent money on a blouse and floopy skirt a while back nor my love of dance and singing, but things are much better than they were.

See, doesn't she look so happy? I guess
that I would share that happiness
if I were dressed like that.
Secondly, that cybering thing. What amazes me looking back is how easily I slipped into role and how easy it was for me to put aside my own qualms and issues simply because of the fantasy being enacted. That is, because I had put myself in the position of being submissive I found that I simply did what was asked online. Okay, I was typing it, it wasn't real, but I still typed stuff that I wouldn't ordinarily write and certainly had nothing to do with anything I would consider to be a fantasy. There was a lot more physical punishment than would be my wont and there was a lot more... darkness to it all. Like being ordered not to enjoy it and report if I did. And I complied. Like being ordered to do things for a man and then writing it and, essentially, doing it in the scenario. Without complaint. I did things because I was ordered to do them.

Now, okay, this was through text and nothing actually happened. But I found it interesting how much I played around what the other person wanted, how easy it was for me to give them what they were looking for, what they ordered and what they asked. I didn't really push for anything being my way or for anything that I would have considered my kind of fantasy. I simply took it as read that we were playing his fantasy - at least, I assume he is a he. After all, he assumed I was a she. This does link to the business with Tilly too. I view our sex as being very much about her and her enjoyment. I always have. My over-analysis that turned her off sex for so long was primarily concerned with how I could improve her experience of sex and the sensations therein. It occurs to me that if she ever reciprocates and asks about my fantasies that I don't really know what I would say to her. I still don't really know what they are. The two posted on here hardly have anything to do with sex - they are about dressing up or being a 'damsel in distress' figure waiting for a knight on a white charger. They aren't really to do with sex at all.

Yes, I could live quite happily
with this. Being collared has a
certain je ne sais quoi.
Similarly with the cyber experience, I guess I found it easy to pander to the man on the other end because I had nothing I wanted to gain from it. It may even explain my lack of guilt and angsting because I never actually gave any part of myself in the exchange. I played a role, a role that the other person was interested in, that they got something from, without ever really looking to gain anything myself. Therefore I was never involved in the exchange. Perhaps some part of me was in that it was Joanna doing the driving but even then, I was consciously aware of the fact that he was asking me to describe a blow job and I had no connection to it. Hmm. It was like when I used to write fiction as a teen - all of the events happened at a distance, through the veil of the page, and so I never really engaged with any of it. It was the sort of writing that Tilly referred to as being 'soulless' - it was mechanical. In much the same way, the cyber sex was mechanical. I could just as easily have been some Turing bot churning out porn and nothing would have significantly changed.

Is that what masculinity is? Tilly seems to think so, society certainly thinks so and the behaviour of my male partner in the cyber sex would seem to indicate that it is so. Masculinity is being in something for oneself without really considering the other. It is to be in it to shoot one's load and then fuck off. My view has always been to take longer about things, to learn more about what other people want and then attempt to provide as much of that as I can with my own skills. It is the same at work too. And the distrust I encounter when being male and doing that is very telling.

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!