Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Saturday, 27 April 2013

Rabbit holes

I'm vegging.

Once again at work I got chewed out for being disorganised and once again my response has been to back off and drop my work - I don't do well with that kind of pressure, which I think is known at work and used to create situations that justify the initial chewing out, if that makes sense - I'm still marking but I hate organising trips. Too many balls in the air, too many things can go wrong and too little help available from other very busy people.

This is actually very like how it went. Usually I know I
identify as the woman in pictures. Here, I don't. It's very like
the dressing down I got. Except I have a horrendously
hobo-esque beard at the moment.

I have officially resigned as Second in Department. Means the loss of about £200 pcm, which will be a pain in the coming academic year, I know, but at least stuff like what happened yesterday may be less likely. May be. I suspect people will see it as a sign of weakness to go back on the career ladder in any way, shape or form and therefore I shall be set upon by the new breed of teacher desperate to climb the greasy pole by showing that they can bully effectively and remove non-hackers such as myself.

Coupled with the recent disassociation on Google+ it had me wondering if I should hand over the reins on here to Joanna for a bit - just to see what would happen as much as anything else. I always say that I am her and she is me and that it's just me being more honest online but I would be intrigued to see whether that would actually be the case or whether the extra shiz I have been noticing on Google+ is actually an escalation. I mean, back in 2005 I refuted the suggestion that there was anything else going on. During the terrible years of 2010-12 I realised that things were... different. There was the car crash and the horrid feeling that I actually wanted to have driven faster. That is, I regretted the fact that I didn't hit the car hard enough.

Me, at me.
Let me explain, it was my side of the car that was damaged the most and, if we had been going at a greater speed, it would be me that the engine block crushed. For the next year I repeated to myself over and over that I would die on the road and did not feel safe driving alone. Like I would take a chance to recreate the accident and have the experience I was searching for - a way out. Not necessarily death, but bad enough that things would be taken out of my hands for a while. Amongst all of that we had other things too, the long years of disassociation with Tilly and the setting up of this blog. The creation of a new online identity that culminated in November last year when Joanna got her own space for real.

Now, I realise that things are much better than they were back then. I don't find myself looking for accidents in the same way but I do not suppose that simply because that urge is gone that I am 'well' or whatever. Indeed, the oddity of my behaviour on Google+, tantamount to cheating, is as much escapism and unhealthy behaviour as the car thing was. It's as much motivated by stress and fear as anything else I do. And it is indicative of my avoidant personality that I hide behind an alter-ego to do it. My response to the chewing out on Friday and the horrible feeling all day afterward is indicative of this.

So, if I genuinely do have an alter-ego, if Joanna is more than simply a name I use online, then handing the reins to her for a post would be fascinating. Hence my thoughts about trying it. However, I also know that it would simply likely be me writing and trying to be different.

I should go back to drinking and reviewing beer.

In the meantime, play this game because it is brilliant.

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!