Once again at work I got chewed out for being disorganised and once again my response has been to back off and drop my work - I don't do well with that kind of pressure, which I think is known at work and used to create situations that justify the initial chewing out, if that makes sense - I'm still marking but I hate organising trips. Too many balls in the air, too many things can go wrong and too little help available from other very busy people.
|This is actually very like how it went. Usually I know I|
identify as the woman in pictures. Here, I don't. It's very like
the dressing down I got. Except I have a horrendously
hobo-esque beard at the moment.
I have officially resigned as Second in Department. Means the loss of about £200 pcm, which will be a pain in the coming academic year, I know, but at least stuff like what happened yesterday may be less likely. May be. I suspect people will see it as a sign of weakness to go back on the career ladder in any way, shape or form and therefore I shall be set upon by the new breed of teacher desperate to climb the greasy pole by showing that they can bully effectively and remove non-hackers such as myself.
Coupled with the recent disassociation on Google+ it had me wondering if I should hand over the reins on here to Joanna for a bit - just to see what would happen as much as anything else. I always say that I am her and she is me and that it's just me being more honest online but I would be intrigued to see whether that would actually be the case or whether the extra shiz I have been noticing on Google+ is actually an escalation. I mean, back in 2005 I refuted the suggestion that there was anything else going on. During the terrible years of 2010-12 I realised that things were... different. There was the car crash and the horrid feeling that I actually wanted to have driven faster. That is, I regretted the fact that I didn't hit the car hard enough.
|Me, at me.|
Now, I realise that things are much better than they were back then. I don't find myself looking for accidents in the same way but I do not suppose that simply because that urge is gone that I am 'well' or whatever. Indeed, the oddity of my behaviour on Google+, tantamount to cheating, is as much escapism and unhealthy behaviour as the car thing was. It's as much motivated by stress and fear as anything else I do. And it is indicative of my avoidant personality that I hide behind an alter-ego to do it. My response to the chewing out on Friday and the horrible feeling all day afterward is indicative of this.
So, if I genuinely do have an alter-ego, if Joanna is more than simply a name I use online, then handing the reins to her for a post would be fascinating. Hence my thoughts about trying it. However, I also know that it would simply likely be me writing and trying to be different.
I should go back to drinking and reviewing beer.
In the meantime, play this game because it is brilliant.