Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Monday, 1 April 2013


Not a bad idea. I'm all for the empowerment of women
through menstruation. Some of the (limited) research I have
done suggests that it may have been crucial in the
survival of early mankind.
Tilly has had a return to menstruation. Sorry for the mad headline there, but there you go. This means that the cold and her disassociation with life lately collided head-on with grumpy PMS that I remember from waaaaay back. She gets very grumpy and very angry with periods and so I get to bear the brunt of that. Coupled with the onset of that same cold that left her and the kids short-tempered and generally irritable for the past two weeks and you have a recipe for stuff kicking off.

So it has.

I mentioned that I was getting her cold and was told I was moaning about it (standard issue when I'm ill - mentioning that I am ill is complaining, she's mentioned her cold at least four times a day since having it) and then she revealed the menstruation thing. Cue grumpy day on Saturday and me not knowing what to do. She's also been really short with the kids lately, and that always makes it easy for me to be nicer and more measured. However, now that the cold has gone, she took me to task about being too sharp with them on the Saturday. However, this was every time I spoke to them and it got wearing. I realise that I can't really come back on that - she has her excuses - and I realise that I was probably being sharp now and again, and that just made me cross at myself. We went to a local church for an egg-hunt, which was fun, and I ended up with the Boy for the most part and the Girlie latterly whilst he was running up and down outside. At home I corralled them both whilst tea was made.

Okay, not the best image, but you
get the idea. I do tend to enjoy- no,
luxuriate in a shower. And now, I
can't: #firstworldissues
Oh, and did I mention that our shower broke? As anyone who has read the sorry posts of Mindfulness back last year will know: I love having a shower. It broke about five weeks ago, broken hose, and so we finally got a new one on Friday. But in the meantime something has happened to the hot water pressure so that it still doesn't actually work. I've had one shower in those five weeks. One. I'm feeling very dirty despite the sponge baths from the sink on a morning. I'm not good at baths and, well, they end up using too much water. I'm autistic enough that this prevents me considering anything but a shared bath.

Random aside, Toby and I shared a couple of showers and I have never known anything as erotic and nice as that experience. We didn't do anything in them, we just shared a space and helped each other wash a bit, and not even near the naughty bits. Tilly, when approached about this, has shared she doesn't like showers and looked at me like I'd grown another head when I suggested we share a bath, all this around the time she moved in. Shared baths, therefore, refer to me and the Boy, I will share with the Girlie but we're both a bit big to fit in and it's getting close to the point where I'd feel weird about it.

On Sunday we had a bad day at Church. I was tired (mostly my own fault) and full of cold and generally feeling worn down. Kids were being annoying. Nothing huge, nothing to get angry about, just annoying. We were in the Sunday School and the Boy refused to sit or engage with anything - not in a bad way, just in a very Boy-like way. As I was tired my irritation not only showed but was like a pall of black cloud over wherever I was. At one point the Boy threw a tanty and hit the deck to show his displeasure. It was at that moment, with me glowering like some volcano, that Tilly came in.

Then she pointed out that Church wasn't working because she couldn't go and sing with me in such a mood. She does that. It was my fault for feeling bad which meant that she couldn't enjoy what she does. I have raised this before and we've always come to the conclusion that Tilly is getting something out of Church and does have friends there even if I don't. I have withdrawn as much as I reasonably can from Church, I know, because I'm a coward. Anyway, the conversation caused me to snap a little and so I vomited out all my issues with the situation: we go for her; the children are hard to keep under control; having the Boy all the time on weekends and holidays is not beneficial to me; I am aware that all of this is pretty much my fault etc etc.

In the course of all of this Tilly dropped a real gem: "It's this sort of thing that reflects back on the sex thing: why should I make any effort when this is going to happen sooner or later?" And there we have it. Admission that a) my efforts are noted, b) they are ignored and c) she doesn't really care.

I'll admit I was very passive aggressive in return. I told her to look to other people to meet her needs as clearly I couldn't cut the mustard.

I love this film. Really I do. I was saddened by how poor
the heroine is, generally at everything, but I still love
the very irreverent way it deals with cliches, tropes and
the very genre of film. The sarcasm and the cynicism of
it all resonates.

Also, let's not forget: "this is True Love, what? Do
you think this happens every day?"
Anyway, the conversation didn't end it just... stopped. I inquired after it a few times to no avail and was told that, yes, we were alright and that we should just return to normal. Would that be the normal where my efforts to be 'amorous' are ignored and that no effort is made on her part or not? I don't know. The Girlie was introduced to The Princess Bride by me and the Boy pootled about the room playing with trains and cars while it was on. Tilly was in the kitchen on facebook for the rest of the day.

On the evening, after the kids were a-bed, I also posted some writing on my other blog that was, I think, a departure from my normal style. On a whim I shared it with Tilly last night and she read it. I know when she was reading it because there were raised eyebrows. Also, when she finished, she praised it as being "something I'd actually read" and pointed out that it was a softer style than normal. I think she genuinely liked it too. This is unprecedented. Also, it was a fairly raunchy piece and so... I don't know any more.

The eggs.
Today Tilly has spent most of the day on texts with her friend going through the marriage break up and then, at home, on her laptop on facebook - we haven't spoken much except to weirdly agree on some facebook conversation that I waded in on. We have had Easter eggs - we risked not going chocolate-y this year and relied on gifts, and then bought some eggs just in case which were, in the end, completely unnecessary - so we ate them. Basically we were keen not to let Easter become all about the chocolate, which can send the Girlie a bit loopy, and we seem to have succeeded.

I'm probably not being fair to Tilly here, I've made the past few days sound much worse than they were, I know, but that comment has me rattled.


  1. If anything, you are underreacting. You now have your answer. She will not allow you to have your way, because you will eventually slip and be less than perfect. A pity she doesn't hold herself to the same standards, as she seems somewhat less than perfect too.

    Her period returning means that she can't blame hormones for a lack of libido anymore, so the hard truth had to come out.

    This really gets me worked up. Can you tell?

    1. You are right. Of course.

      Apart from one issue: she's perfectly allowed to simply not want sex. In fairness, she has never blamed her hormones for her lack of libido, I read into that. As frustrating and upsetting as it is, the fact is she can choose.

      The 'hard truth' is more like another excuse. The 'hard truth' is that, likely as not, she's not fussed about sex - certainly not with me.

      Even worked up you remain very diplomatic, Leslie!


All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!