|Joanna. Me. As I appear|
What follows is a very brutally honest account of my feelings over death of people close to me. I would strongly advise caution with reading further - it's not for everyone. I am very blunt with death. Very blunt. It may not be a good idea if you have any feelings at all on death or have experienced loss to read on. I take no prisoners. If that refers to you, and it very well might, don't click 'read more' and, instead, have a caption I like to lighten the mood.
|This was created by the very talented Friedoline. I think it may be my favourite|
production. I don't quite know why. But it has an ephemeral quality that I enjoy.
|Flip the roles and this was pretty much my wedding night.|
It sums up how I feel better than any of the disappointed
groom ones as they seem to focus on having a fat or
unattractive spouse. This was very much, and remains,
not a problem.
|Is this true for anyone, anywhere? Or is it, as I suspect, an invention|
of the mass media and cinemas?
My point? This sort of experience makes it hard for me to understand why people feel loss when a family member dies. I think I'd feel something more akin to relief. Indeed, if my grandmother had died a few years ago I think I would have felt something and that would have been relief. As it is... I'm not sure I actually feel anything about it. Apart from irritation that the funeral is on a school day. This means I had to set cover and have to mark like an eejit on an evening - which I am increasingly averse to. Mainly because, in my irritable state, I am wondering what the point is. Increasingly, that word again, I wonder whether any of my students actually read my comments. They don't even use capitals. And they're in Sixth Form. Bloody Hell.
|Maybe I could do this?|
But, yes, I find it interesting that I have accepted my alter-ego and that she has a name. Back when I started this blog I can remember viewing other blogs and writers and wondering at their assertion of a feminine persona that had a name. I remember thinking, possibly even posting, that my own 'dressed' persona was just me and had no name. I mean, that's still true, but the identity of Joanna as carved out online has taken on a life of her own in a way that I confess has surprised me. I think, if I was forced to give up Joanna's online activities, I would feel more loss and sorrow over that than I would the death of a family member. Joanna is more alive to me now than I suspect my grandmother has been since about 1998.
This has to have been the most difficult post I've ever had to write and certainly the hardest to present with images. I'm not sure what to make of that, or this post.