Watch the video first. The rest of the post can wait.
I've spoken about this whole thing before, back in 2011 I think, and repeatedly. I have spoken about bullying and about my own feelings of being disconnected. I was a natural victim.
And this video, the one I opened with, makes me cry now. Openly.
Because... well, a whole host of things. But mainly the fact that I remember being told, over and over again, when I explained the bullying and the comments that I should recite the sticks and stones rhyme. I did, you know, to myself and to two bullies who stopped me at the end of the street. One of them responded by pelting me with conkers - it hurt - and then stones when he ran out of conkers. I mean, I was on a bike, but I lacked the ability to jink and most of his projectiles hit home. My parents, I don't recall now which one it was, simply said that I should look after myself and stand up for myself more. That was the usual response actually.
|A still from a soap (Hollyoaks I think) that I don't watch,|
the point stands.
I did once. I had to write a letter of apology to the bully for drawing blood. I guess that's right, in hindsight, one should never take the matter into one's own hands - that's why we have a State, right? Anyway, it was ineffective and humiliating then and remains so. It's why, as a teacher, I go a little further in ending bullying and why it matters to me so much. I never want any student of mine to feel as isolated and alone as I did during those years. And I liked school and what I learned. I wasn't even that badly bullied.
Is there a link between my being a victim, then and now, and my desire to cross-dress? Is the outward victim persona something that stems from my wish to be seen as more feminine? Do I, as a male in the patriarchy, secretly underwrite my opinion of females in terms of their ability to be victims? Reading back through some of the posts here, such as my desire to be a damsel in distress for example, would support that reading. In which case, do I change it or do I simply walk on?