So. There's the fact that I've finally started doing the work I brought home to do at the beginning of the holidays and the requisite dip in spirits that accompanies such an activity.
I don't know. It may just be that. I'm also getting increasingly frustrated by Tilly being stressed and irritable with the children and life in general at the moment. She claims that she isn't, or that I've picked an isolated example or that it was just one day (and I have longer than that!) but it's becoming normal. Last night she was in particularly good form during the dark hours - ending up with me being turfed out of the room and into another to 'get some sleep'. God knows how that worked, I was sleeping just fine and Tilly still didn't get a good night's rest. During the evening I suspended work to get time with Tilly. I did my best to hint, she hates me making any reference at all to sex, at some quality time. We watched a comedy DVD, at opposite ends of the room.
Attempts to raise this today have been stonewalled or met with a stoic refusal to accept that anything was awry. So that I have ended up apologising for my conduct and bringing it up each time. Most of the day was spent getting things in, mainly clothes, for our trip to her parents' tomorrow. Well, starting with my Dad. Then I messed up shaving, badly, and have had to go clean shaven again. I mean, don't get me wrong: I kinda like it; but Tilly doesn't, at all. I booked a couple of hours to work. As usual, about an hour in Tilly changed the rules and started doing stuff in the kitchen - cue children getting antsy. She then starts engaging me in conversation and asking about the evening, having previously (within the hour) suggesting that I forego any evenings off at all to get my work done, and I got a bit irritable - I was working dammit.
This resulted in some moodiness and it was my fault again. Of course. So, about an hour and three quarters into my work I stopped to help with tea. Then, blow me, Tilly works through tea on various shit, leaving me with two tired and ratty children. Oh, I should point out that due to her sleepless night I had both of them for two hours this morning (I didn't sleep well either, but that is all my fault for drinking Pepsi the day before). I had also spent most of the morning with them both as Tilly was looking for clothes and needed 'headspace'. Oh, the luxury.
The comedy DVD we watched last night hasn't helped. There were jokes about sex in couples of the kind that are meant to make people feel better about their sex lives. Ha. Ha ha ha. Ha fucking ha. She only got aeriated about the part where the comedian was joking about men not helping around the house, taking the opportunity to point out stuff that I don't do. My counter offensive was shot down and my armies forced into retreat. No chance to tackle the other issue. Her laptop was then raised in defence and thus the blockade carried the evening.
Anyway, back to this evening, I suggested that maybe I could have an evening with her. No, she'd planned a bath. When she finished she came downstairs and then opened a bizarre debate about shaving her legs - which I'll admit confused the hell out of me, I have no truck with her doing it beyond the statement that I don't get why women do it and men don't - and kept pushing me to admit my previous position. Then got frustrated that I was debating it! I wasn't! I pointed this out and got the passive-aggressive "well, I'll just go to bed then". Which she's done.
I'll admit that I am officially confused. And saddened, again, by the lack of any intimacy in our relationship. I've had more intimate relationships with online bloody porn.
Sorry, that was a bitter diatribe. Not melancholic.
Would it make any difference at all if I wasn't here?
Oh, one final point. Tilly used the fact that it doesn't hurt anyone (physically), was her choice, was no one else's business (it's her body and her choice), and didn't do anything damaging (my legs, who cares what people think?) to justify her shaving her legs. When I have previously used those same points to defend cross-dressing I have been met with incomprehension, anger and virtriol. I should have pointed that out.
Yeah, 'cos that makes me the injured party. Agh, I'm passive aggressive on my own blog!
Words of warning and welcome:
This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.
It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!