Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Monday, 5 November 2012

My alter-ego and I

I suspect that many, if not all, of my visitors have been keeping up to date with the very interesting situation over at Caitlyn's / Calvin's blog.  I have found the whole thing fascinating, which has meant that I can't really post there because I have nothing to add but my own rubber-necking attitude and basic nosiness.  I would go further and say that when I first started reading about it I never really considered that I had anything like that kind of issue.

Let me explain, when I started this blog and the whole adventure of the last year or so, I was writing primarily from my own perspective.  This blog has been a place where I can truly be myself, in a way that I cannot be anywhere else.  I think nothing now of posting on here about loving wearing dresses or knickers or anything.  If I wear clothes designed for other people then I am happy to post here about how it made me feel, my reasons for doing it and even how it all pans out.  I've even, for the very first time, posted something of my fantasies on this place.  And you, my lovely readers, have kept coming back and giving me pageviews - which I am eternally grateful for because I am a complete attention-whore.  Some of you lovely people have a very special place in my heart because you have commented and have offered support, you know who you are, or simply called me by a name I liked and treated me with more respect than I deserve.  In all of that, I have been myself and the 'me' on show here is as much 'me' as I think I'm ever likely to get.

Imagine my surprise when I started this mad NaNo thing this year.  The part of me that posts here and lives in the real world has been doing this since 2006 and that's the part of me that usually writes the prose and the stuff that appears on this blog.  The part of me that posts here lives a life and does things in my job and is, to all intents and purposes, me.  But look closely at the first sentence of this paragraph.  I wasn't going to use that to show what I meant, I was going to refer to my other blog, but then I saw it was already right there.  This is what I mean.  I think I have created an alter-ego.  I think Joanna, or Bex, has become slightly separated from who I see myself as.  That is, she has a life of her own.

She has her own Google+ account (I already have one), her own youtube account and even her own e-mail.  She posts on Google+ these days, not me, and she uses words and phrases (like "totes" for example) that I would never really think of using.  She's more fearless than me too.  She's started using the laptop during the day as well, carving out time to be her more and more from my own life.  At least, that's the best way I have of describing it.  No struggle, no worries, just an observation.  When I started getting in contact with old friends again recently I found that she already had a set of friends and haunts that had nothing to do with anyone I knew.

That's it, by the way, it was just a sudden observation as Joanna starts her first NaNoWriMo.


  1. We all have different parts of us, they just show up at different times. The average guy has the "hanging out with friends" side, the "upstanding citizen" side, the "worker bee" side, the "momma's boy" side, the "playing dolls with his daughter" side, etc ..

    Anyone who is the same for all those different environments is clearly psychotic!

    I wouldn't worry about it too much, its just another facet of who you are.

    1. I whole-heartedly agree. I just found it fascinating that I never considered myself to have an alter-ego and then she just upped and appeared fully formed. And writes better than I ever did!

  2. Hey, Bex!

    I'm sorry for not swinging-by much lately! Been a little out-of-it for a bit. Anyhow...

    I gotta wonder if "alter-ego" is the right concept in cases like ours. Having been 'in-touch with our inner female aspects' for the great majority of our lives, wouldn't it seem more like expressing our "intra-ego" when Bex & Elle compose and post thoughts and works of prose, poetry, fact or fantasy?

    In recognizing that we've always possessed a profound female element to our personalities -whether or not we've often or openly displayed such to others- speaks, to me, not of any "alteration" to our personalities, rather, a fuller presentation of the ones we've had throughout our lives! (I'm just sayin' Hon!)

    I've done a fair bit of reading in the fringes, about some topics that fall into the realm of 'conspiracy theory', {not to state pro-or-con here, merely referencing for the definition), which speak of the "alter-ego" as a constructed personality completely separate from the 'self', and often unknown to the 'host'. They are brought about through traumatic experiences -real or imagined- as a means of buffering the individual from a hurt.

    I submit that, as we are fully and consciously aware of these feminine aspects of our own personalities, the fact that we're actively engaged in 'allowing' 'them' more reign and opportunity to relate to the broader world those parts of our 'selves' which we've kept hidden or suppressed, quite possibly to our detriment, we do not fit the classic example of those who have an "alter-ego". (obviously, I'm neither neurologist nor psychologist, but neither am I a simpleton.)

    Perhaps, dear Bex, we even have what might be considered an "ultra-ego"! Beyond being either male or female, knowing the truth that we are both -in mind if not in body- and having a gift not rendered unto those whose personae are simply that which their birth-forms represent. In which case, I would suggest that, rather than refer to Joanna/Bex as 'her' & 'she', like entirely other entities, the right and healthy ownership of this 'blessing of both-ness' ought to be reveled in and that 'I' & 'me' prevail in writing and posting. Not in the sense of selfishness, but that of 'self-fullness'!

    Just some thoughts, sweetheart. Peace,Love&Kisses;

    1. I'm glad you were able to swing by again, I do love it when you come by!

      And yes, an interesting look at the alter- or ultra- ego. Maybe that is part of it, certainly now that work is causing stress again, or perhaps it is less an alter-ego and more an escape route? Not in the negative sense, but in the same way that people read books or watch films - an extension of the cross-dressing perhaps.

      Certainly I find it easier to be warm to others when Joanna/Bex is in the driving seat (not to separate that part of me from other parts of me, merely to differentiate between that and my usual front). I think you might be right, an intra-ego it is!

  3. Joanna,

    Thanks for stopping by and keeping up with my trials and tribulations. I have to admit that since this 'issue' came up with me, I've been pretty bad about keeping track of everyone else.

    I find the entire idea of 'alter-egos' fascinating. Caitlyn is certainly an alter ego for me. One made unconsciously and purposefully at the same time. Consciously I set up her email account(s), and hidden areas on my hard drive to keep her away from everybody else in my life. It was a way to hide away what I was doing. To keep it private. Unconsciously, however, I was creating a mental space for her where she grew not to be hidden from others, but to protect me. To give my own desires a way to express themselves without the guilt that I've often associated with these desires.

    Part of my current issue is that I've brought that into the light. I've un-hidden it from myself. The guilt of having these desires is now compounded by the fact that I've not only had them... I've been mentally living them. My alter ego (or mask if you prefer) is now cracked, and I no longer feel hidden behind it. I think that's the difference between how I view my alter ego and how you and Elle view them. My alter ego was (is?) a defense mechanism to hide from other and myself, whereas I see yours as hiding only from others while you revel in it yourself.

    1. You shouldn't worry about not keeping track. You've been, and still are, wrestling. I just wish that I had anything supportive or helpful to say.

      I know what you mean regarding the guilt breaking the mask, as it were, I experience that pretty regularly in my normal life albeit for much more mundane and tiny reasons. Creating a refuge from that guilt is a very logical thing to do and...

      I guess it never occurred to me to have an alter-ego to protect from the guilt of my own habits (cross-dressing, reading captions and fictionmania for example) because I simply ignored the fact that I was doing them. Same concept but without the complication of getting involved. Posting on this blog, being (occasionally) part of Rachel's Haven and the Google+ account have all been relatively new additions - which may explain why there has been the creation of an alternative 'self' (intra- or ultra- or alter-) to operate those parts. They involve something that I am poor at in real life - the reaching out to others and being able to keep in contact.

      In other words, I suppose the motivation is important. Joanna was never created to hide behind, merely as a name to allow for interaction, the guilt and the hiding take place in a much less manageable way (well, your mileage may vary) and is part of me generally. It has the effect of making me seem shifty and secretive generally, always looking over my shoulder and worrying that I will be found out.

      When you say you hide from others and yourself I can relate. And Caitlyn was a protective shield for you more than she was a representation of suppressed desires. Joanna/Bex is more the latter I suppose, the use of InPrivate/Incognito and their ilk are my protective shield.

      I'm seriously babbling now and have only half-formed thoughts. Thank you for your input - it probably doesn't help to say that I am a mite star-struck you came by!


All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!