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This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Bullying

We were involved in banter at work. My boss and a colleague asked, in a jocular tone, if I had been bullied at school. We have already discussed that they were most likely bullies, though they don't believe that, and were never bullied. Bullying, of course, happens to victims.  That aside, and being a victim, I tried to keep my own response jocular. Of course I had been bullied; what, with this physique you think I wasn't? It got a laugh. They pressed for an example.

I told the story of how, back when I was about 14 or 15, a group of about six girls, I forget who, chased me, pinned me down and ripped my trousers off with such force that they snapped the belt. I have only told the story a few times and usually the response is one of mirth. I have never really known what to think of it. At the time I was incensed that they had broken my belt and managed not to hit anyone. Seething, angry and generally humiliated I stalked off to the lost property office, got a spare belt and said nothing. I told my parents that my belt had been snapped, with all the pent up fury that I had, shaking my fist at the sky etc etc, and that was pretty much the end of the matter.  I was expecting laughter.

They were appalled and shocked. They asked what I'd done about it. They were even more appalled and shocked when I explained that I had done nothing and that the last time I'd reported the lead girl, who I do remember, for bullying I had been told to stop making mountains out of molehills. They were appalled and shocked that anyone found it funny, or that I was laughing about it. I was confused. I am confused. They suggested that it was sexual bullying.

I asked Tilly about it tonight. She said she didn't know what to think and it depended on how I'd felt about it. If I was humiliated and angered by it then it was bad and molestation, but if I wasn't then it wasn't and probably worth a laugh.

Then, and now, I had no real reaction. Just the anger that my belt was snapped and I'd have to replace it. I remember burning with embarrassment. I remember the anger and heat in my blood. The 'little bunny froo-froo' fury that would go nowhere and achieve nothing - the futile anger of a pointless thing pointlessly spent with no resolution. I remember the taunting about having no butt by the lead girl (later she would get pregnant, yes, she got pregnant, twice before leaving school - she had issues, serious issues, but this was the days before that kind of thing attracted huge amounts of attention) and reporting it. I was told that I shouldn't call attention from women bullying. I was confused then, and I'm confused now.

I have never associated the butt comments or the trousers incident with sex or sexual attitudes. At least, I don't think I have. One was irritating, like the bullies who stole my pencil case or called me names or just generally made my life Hell with little things that always sounded stupid when I told an adult so I was told to 'stop whining and grow up' and nothing was done, and the other caused anger because my belt was snapped and I didn't like the idea of having to buy another one. I have a thing about my waist, it gets... uncomfortable now and again and then I have to get out of what I'm wearing to make the feeling go away. It's hard to describe and typing about it has made it go all funny. Agh. Yes. So, buying a new belt was something I didn't want to do. What if the belt made my waist all funny?

I'll have to stop this post now. My waist has gone all funny and I need to change. Agh!

5 comments:

  1. So you think this has nothing to do with wanting to be dominated by women? Or, if that part of you was already present, that not reporting it might make it less likely to happen again? Just thinking aloud...

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  2. Should have said "that reporting it might make it less likely to happen again." Makes my point better with the right number of negatives.

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    1. As ever, but no less well meant, thank you for commenting! I do enjoy your insights and your ability to cut to the quick. Which you have repeated!

      You know, the funny thing is, I have never associated this particular incident, or the stream of bullying of which it was a part, to be connected to anything sexual or on this blog. Seriously. But, now that you point it out, it seems like a bit of a 'duh' moment.

      At the time I can report zero sexual feelings or excitement and maximum humiliation and futile anger. Like I say, my main memory of the event is the belt and the huge amount of anger and irritation over what, in retrospect, was probably the smallest thing imagineable. Like with the three years of constant bullying from age 11 to 14 from two boys - the bits that annoyed me the most were the stupid little things like hiding a pencil case or teasing about my music choices. I mean, talk about petty!

      Obviously, not reporting the incident meant that the perpetrators would not be brought to book. Mind you, at the time, the motivation was simply that complaining about a broken belt went in the same pile as hidden pencil cases; teasing about music choices (PSB being gay, Rednex CDs being burnt in the street, really stupid stuff) and petty name calling. I genuinely believed at the time that nothing would be done. Bear in mind that the last time I reported bullying, at age 13, I was ignored until I was told to 'toughen up and ignore it', whereupon I made the bully bleed and had to write a letter of apology to him. I didn't think anything would get done.

      So, no, I don't believe I wanted it to happen again, then. However, the part about it being to do with female domination... That part might have legs.

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  3. Looking back, I've been both bullied and the bully.

    My friends and I have done some bad things in our lives that we aren't too proud of, but we looked at in as a bonding experience at the time, I guess like how some hazing in the military or frat houses do.

    I've since apologized to those I thought I had wronged when I've been able to do so.

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    1. It's an odd thing, bullying. It always carries different significance for the bully and the bullied. Neither of the two biggest bullies in my past recognise any of what they did as bullying. Even now, when we are in our thirties.

      Equally, I am certain that I will have managed to upset someone somewhere to the point where they believe I was a bully, but I remain unaware of any case where I can say that I have done so.

      And, as you say, what some people may term bullying turns out to be a bonding experience for others.

      It is an odd thing.

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!