A follow up post: get me!
Caitlyn / Calvin came on here and offered a very challenging remark, pointing out that my alter-ego exists to allow me to revel in that alter-ego. At first I was a little defensive but, you know, I think there's a point there. This sudden creation, or realisation, of Joanna and her writing NaNo this year and taking over the Google+ channel (now associated with the other blog rather than this one) has coincided with the general relaxation that I have around this place and my reasons for posting here.
That I do post here and do so fully aware of what it is, and create this space for the exploration of that part of me, has come to mean that I am more comfortable with that part of me. It has developed since the first posts here and the early narrative so that it is clear that there was always more to the cross-dressing. This blog has been more than cross-dressing, even though that is the highest count for labels it does not dominate the way one would expect, and the community I have come to know engages in much more than (and in some cases not at all) cross-dressing. What I have discovered is that this community, these people, are brilliant and supportive. And I have discovered that I like that.
I like the space. I like the investigation. I enjoy the chance to build a new identity.
And the only fly in the ointment is the fact that some people on G+ do not know. But this is my fault. For not being me online generally. For clinging to what people think.
So, yes, the alter-ego (if that's even the right word) is not a defensive thing for me. It does not create a shield between me and all of this, it is not to protect me from anyone. It is... well, it is a silly thing. Instead, what we have is an attempt to shield my activities and a silly little charade, even if it sprung fully formed, that allows me to play at being a person. Whether that person is me or not is rather irrelevant, the point is that it is a version of me that I can play at being without ever actually being held to it. It is a lie.
What is a complicated shield is the use of versions of web browsers to prevent recording of my activities and the creation of other accounts to 'play' with - sock puppets that require little risk. After all, if anything goes wrong on G+ I can just remove Joanna from the stream. The same goes for this blog and the e-mail address that I have repurposed for this blog and G+. They are means by which I can revel in being something that I am possibly not. I have always felt the need to wear, well, different personalities, different roles. In my job I am a different person in the classroom than I am in the staffroom (not that I'm in there much, but you get what I mean). I am different at home with the children and I rarely go out. I roleplay all the time. The confusion has always stemmed from that nugget by the Pet Shop Boys The question of identity is one that's always haunted me and the person I pretend to be depends on who is with me or introspection as I walk, I need to change the way I talk. I am constantly looking for 'me'.
On this blog I may have found it. But it won't last. I shall question it again, I know. Joanna is simply a named version of those roles that I don. I have the Nazi, the other named one, and I have the teacher, I have the father and I have the son, I have the student and I have the victim, the martyr, you get the idea.
I have no idea what this post is about...
Words of warning and welcome:
This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.
It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!