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Thursday, 4 October 2012

Old habits

This morning I found time to wear a night-gown given to me by Toby when we split up.  It was what I wore when sleeping round at her place a few times and was long enough to reach my ankles.  It is floaty, it has a slit up the side that finishes around my crotch, but it's on the side.  I also wore my favourite shoes.

It was wonderful.. Of course it was.  It reminded me why I kept it and why I sometimes, very few times, hanker after those early days of that doomed relationship.  I felt wonderful.  I felt unbeatable.

It brought to mind a daydream I sometimes have, I guess it counts as a fantasy.  I shall continue after the page break, it's not designed to be sexual or anything but I don't want people who don't like 'those' blogs feeling I've gone the same way.

In this daydream I am convinced by my female partner, it could be Toby but pretty much any female would do, the only constant is that it isn't Tilly.  Tilly just isn't into this sort of thing.  Anyway, I am convinced, through trust, to dress in the night-gown.  Since I own the shoes the shoes have now also been added to this.  We walk out to some woods on the edge of a field I know in an out of the way place.  My female companion produces handcuffs and then attaches them to my wrists over a branch growing over my head.  She then leaves me there and promises to rescue me later.  I am the damsel in distress awaiting my knight on a white steed.  And my knight is female.

Aaand, that's it.  That's the whole thing.  But I find it exciting, I find it wonderful and I find it something that I end up sighing about.  Wearing the night-gown this morning reminded me of this dream, this fantasy, and allowed me to feel the play of the gown around my legs, the pressure of the shoes and heels on my feet and the general... I don't know.  It felt right.  I was happy about it all and I enjoyed the diversion of thinking about the dream again.

It is usually Toby because she once tried to get me to go out in the middle of the night dressed to 'fight zombies' and I stupidly said no.  I chose sleep over the adventure being offered.  I turned down my one chance at playing a bondage-like game, my one chance at doing something like that in a loving (ish) relationship and a safe place.  I feel certain that something like my dream would have resulted, Toby has form in doing stunts like that, and I chose not to do it because... I don't know why.  Evidence of my autism?  Probably.  So, instead, it became a sort of fantasy, I guess, in which I relive what I decided not to try and imagine how it would have felt rather than ever actually knowing.  It is never Tilly because she is not interested in that.  I wonder what she is interested in when it comes to sex.

I have gone down on her, I have tried all the limited tricks I know but, ultimately, she seems happy with a single, understated and quiet, orgasm - either through oral or through fairly unemotional penetrative sex.  The fact that she then tries to let me orgasm as well afterward is... well, unsatisfying.  It's like she's mechanically going through the motions to give me something that she feels is expected.  In all honesty, I would sooner go without than have her feel it's some kind of obligation to be paid in return for my ministrations on her.  And I get the feeling that her own orgasm is out of obligation, like she feels she has to.

I have no idea what turns Tilly on.  I have no idea what she would like in sex.  I have no idea whether or not she even enjoys what we have done in the past.  My suspicion is that she doesn't.  The last time we had sex, over a year ago now, she did it to "shut [me] up and make sure [I] don't go on about it having been two years again".  It was out of obligation, it was for no real emotional attachment or enjoyment.  I don't actually think Tilly gets anything out of sex between us and I worry that she never really did.  She was, is, bi- and she has had plenty of female partners.  I think she gets a lot from hugging and snuggling and silly play - all things that she's never really done with me... no, that's unfair, that she has not done with me since we argued on the first Christmas back in 2006.  I think sex, with a man, is not something she's that interested in.  Yeah, we did it, but it was all about having children, about getting pregnant.  We've succeeded in creating children.  There is now no point in sex in Tilly's mind.  One day we will return to sex, but it will be because she feels obliged to have sex.

I don't want that.  When Toby felt obliged in our relationship I knew the end wasn't far off.  I don't ever want people to give me anything they don't want to give.  That doubles in terms of love.  Unless it is something that Tilly genuinely wants to give for no other reason than she wants to give it then I don't particularly want it.  And she'll never want to hold me sexually - the one time she offered she was so unutterably drunk and vulnerable that I would have felt like I was raping her, not just taking advantage, which is why I turned her down - and she'll never offer masturbation or a blow-job.  Hell, we don't even kiss on the lips these days and haven't kissed with open mouths since... 2007, the night we created the daughter.  And that was out of obligation to me, I knew that at the time too, it made the night... sour.

I know Tilly had sex with people before me (okay, I masturbated Toby before her, I guess that's equivalent - certainly it set my expectations: Toby would have multiple orgasms, she was loud and effusive and, so far as I could tell, they weren't faked; in return she gave me plenty and I was also much louder, usually I am almost completely silent, she managed to make me pretty darn loud, all through masturbation) and I wonder if that was different.  I hope she enjoyed the experience, I honestly do, because she doesn't seem to have enjoyed any of our experiences since 2006.  I'd hate for her to feel that enjoying sex is beyond her with me.  I would hate that.  But I think that it may be true.  I think I have.

Destroyed her view of sex, I mean.  I think I've killed her sex-drive.  It's me.

Shit.

3 comments:

  1. Ummm, I really don't know what to say since I don't really know you that well.

    From what I've read though, she is quite repressed, and most likely, in denial about many things.

    At this point, I'm not really sure what you can do. Suck it up and be a good parent, and let this whole thing rot you from the inside out? Say something and create much drama, and probably end up with a resolution you probably don't want?

    The lack of sex is one thing. That often can happen, especially once people have kids. It would be the complete lack of affection that would worry me. The lack of intimacy can be hidden from children, but affection is something else entirely, and they can sense when things aren't right.

    I hope that you find the right balance between her and you to make things right again. If what I've said is too personal or intrusive, feel free to delete it. I would have no problem with you doing that.

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  2. Just unutterably sad. You did not kill her sex drive. She used you to get what she wanted. Anger and resentment would be proper reactions to that; blaming yourself is not. Dee's right, you can't hide a loveless marriage from the kids. Sad...

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  3. Thank you both for your comments, they do mean a lot!

    Don't worry, Dee, this whole blog is personal so I doubt you could ever be too personal or intrusive and you certainly weren't this time.

    As for anger and resentment... Yeah, they are proper reactions but not mine. It means a lot that you took the time to read and comment, I always appreciate your support Leslie.

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!