Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Wednesday, 22 August 2012


I mean the functional term rather than the aspirational here, dreams as in what happens in my sleep as opposed to what I look forward to and strive for.


Whilst on my lovely long weekend with family, which was great, there was an odd dream.  Odd enough that I remembered it and odd enough that I thought it bore wirting down.  Mostly my dreams are pretty awful once I've written them down, and by awful I mean boring for anyone but me, but I'm feeling the fact that I'm not blogging as much as I was - seriously, it's been a good place for me since I set it up - and this particular dream threw up a lot of stuff.

Also, I think the holiday was good, I do love me a place in the woods and time to walk and/or cycle, a bit of physical activity and some drink in an evening is pretty much paradise for me.  I suspect that this relaxed state, for it was mostly, is what led to this dream.  I have a habit of noticing dreams near to when I wake up.  They aren't lucid in the strictest sense but there is a very blurry line betwixt sub-conscious and controlled contrivance that winds up being day-dreaming.  My sub-conscious is my 'magic pill'.  It can throw up a whole raft of stuff and I can be happy with that and take no guilt, after all, when I notice what my sub-conscious is up to I shut it down and 'control' it all.  However, if the line gets blurred, well, that's less comfortable and that's where the guilt and the worry comes in.

How best to describe?  I remember a friend of mine reporting that in a dream he'd had he was propositioned by a sexy lady and he turned her down.  When he was lucid enough to work out what just happened he was overjoyed at what he had done, told everyone, and was pretty smug that he remained faithful to his wife in his sub-conscious.  The ting is, I'm jealous of that.  When sex features in my dreams it's pretty low key - I've never been propositioned in dreams or in real life - and mostly there is no physical contact.  I've had a kiss once and I've never given or recieved oral.  Okay, sex doesn't happen in my dreams.  However, infidelity has.  I dreamed I was marrying my ex after starting with Tilly and I also dreamed about breaking off my wedding to Tilly mid ceremony to run off with someone I fancied in University.  Dream-Me is a bit of a bastard.  My saving grace, if it can be called that, with these dreams was that they were bona fide sub-conscious and I had no control.  When I was lucid enough to take control with the ex one it became a fight to get away (stealing a car as it happens) and in the latter one I ended up taking a ride over some moors and apologising to my fancy person from University and then returning to the wedding.

This last dream operates on that cusp where I have previously dreamed about being a girl (full on, no questions asked, no sexual feelings about it kind of dreaming - I just happened to be female); about being locked in a dungeon (moder-day bright lights style, the lucidity injected the feminisation trope associated with this setting); BDSM (lucidity brough infantilism) and so forth.  Basically, this was one of those dreams that, while the beginning can be explained away, the dream development cannot be strictly written off as my sub-conscious going off unbridled.

The dream.  Yes.

Basically I joined a 'self-help group' being run from a room that looked similar to University digs somewhere on a moor (recurring settings in my dreams: moors; roads; featureless landscapes and coastlines) that was badly kept.  The woman in charge, for twas a she, was a bit of a fraud.  There was something unplaceably odd about her set up and about the whole thing in general that manifested in dreamland as a state of unease.  As the dream progressed it turned out that she was a BDSM mistress and that the issues were put on a sliding scale.  So, say you were worried about lying then each instance of lying carried a punishment - yes, my dreams are that mathematically technical and these parts tend to flash past pretty quickly - I sort of know the maths, difficult to explain it though.  So, anyway, there were two levels of punishment: hard and soft spanks.  No, I have no clue what a 'soft' spank is either.  The levels were based on the level of severity that the user of the service, in this case me, assigned to each infraction.  Persistent infractions would carry larger punishments, I'm sure you see where this is going.

Basically, the mistress convinced me (I didn't need much coercion) to plumb on the greater level of severity every time and I kinda wanted it to as well (I'm looking at you, Servitor!).  So that, as it progressed, we ended up introducing nappies and feminisation.  By the latter parts of the dream there was the hint that I would enter a relationship with this mistress (at some point she'd stopped charging me for the service and it was more like some kind of warped affair) and leave Tilly.  I stress here that there was no hint of sex with this mistress - either she didn't want it or had someone else providing it, the dream wasn't clear on that point - and none for me either (no being forced to service men or women, indeed, beyond the 'punishments' I detected no sexual aspects whatsoever to the dream).

Why would all of this register so strongly?  It came either side of waking up in the night to check on the Boy, with whom I was co-sleeping.  That means that some of this, if not a large part, was entirely in my control.  It was not a 'magic pill' dream.  Thing is, I have no clue when the waking up occurred, exactly, obviously before the 'relationship' suggestion but after the moorland scene setting.  Was the 'relationship' started before I was more lucid or after.  It's a pretty important distinction given the issues lately.

If you're still reading by this point, my apologies, that must have been interminable!

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!