Okay, I was whining last night and now I guess I'm whining again. Positive stuff first.
This blog. This place and the people that comment here and the people that I have met through this blog have been really helpful in finding the positives and the happiness over the last month or so. Yeah, I've bitched and moaned on here about workload and stuff at work but the space to vent has been a major help. Also, though I've been awful at commenting lately, there are other people's blogs that have also been really helpful. No, really, they have provided me with diverting questions and answers and all sorts of good honest stuff to mull over. I have also managed to stay more or less afloat at work. New Union representative and an update on my situation this week was rather upbeat - he was quite supportive and intimated that the whole shebang would be over quickly as there was nothing that I was actually doing wrong. Now, he didn't validate my existence or anything like that but he did say what I needed to hear in that his assessment was that it was not all my fault. This was good.
Now the bad.
Today was hard work, my boss was in and made a bunch more demands of my time. My timetable was published and I have all exam classes and am now expected to carry out more administration. Despite my given area of management I am now expected to supply all the stuff for all the other areas so that my boss can hold everyone to what they need to be doing. In other words, I'm doing her job. She's had a year to sort this all out and has done... nothing. She has left the whole staff to figure out their own way through things, ignored the list of things that I sent her regarding these when she asked for them at the beginning of the year and now is asking me to do it again. Worse, she is constantly arching her eyebrows in mock surprise when told what we do with this bloody disapproving look. She's complained all year about the burden of two Year 10 classes, with no Year 11, and next year I have three of these and a Year 11 set and two Year 13s and a Year 12 and another subject at Year 13. How on earth I'm going to carry out all of that administration whilst replanning the whole load of Years 7 to 9 (my management area) and supporting the recording of existing stuff for the rest. I'm angry. I am on support procedures for not doing enough and she has done bugger all and is not on support.
I spoke to the man responsible for that process being escalated and he all but admitted that the reason for me being on support now is down to my boss feeling isolated and alone. Furthermore, she reports to him that I have "been better" these past few weeks. I haven't actually changed my attitude to her or anything else, if anything I have become less likely to offer help and less supportive in front of other staff. It's all on her bloody perception that is, in fact, wrong.
I was therefore a little drained when I got back home from work. I'd busted a gut to arrive home early too, because I wanted to see my wife and children. On arrival I discover that Tilly is tired, again, and angry at the world. I am thrust straight into childcare while she takes a bath. Then she reveals that she wants me to put the Boy to bed and sleep with him (along with the night waking that entails) for the foreseeable future - the whole point of her looking after him was that I was at work and up at 5am and so couldn't really be on call all night too. The fact that for the past six months I've also been on call for the children from 5am until I leave for work (originally 6.30am but stretching until I leave about 7.25am these days with giving breakfast to the Daughter and wrangling our pre-verbal Boy) has been ignored. As has the fact that I've been looking after the chinchilla alone since the birth of our firstborn, about four years now, which takes about an hour every other night out of the evening. And washing the pots, half an hour to an hour every morning for four years. I realise that these are small tasks and that I shouldn't complain but they are daily, or near daily, and are on top of any work I bring home (I know I shouldn't, but teaching isn't like 9-5 jobs over here - a set of 30 essays takes about five hours to mark, there simply isn't the time to do that in a school day with teaching and planning as well).
I am, it seems, the "third child" as Tilly put it this evening, who acts like she's going to blow up all the time and therefore is completely unhelpful and useless as a support. Can being called a "block of wood" be far behind? I love her but I can't give her what she wants. I know she has a libido again, has had for about a year and a half now, since the birth of the Boy but we haven't had anything approaching a physical relationship, well, we had the physical aspect once this time last year but nothing approaching a loving physical relationship since August 2007! There are people in chastity who have more release than that!
Whining. Time to stop, I'm working myself up. And, I won't get an evening as now Tilly is sleeping downstairs - my last bastion of space is gone. This upsets me.
Words of warning and welcome:
This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.
It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!