Honesty. I'm avoiding church and religion at the moment, actively. I haven't been to my Cell/House-Group since the beginning of the calendar year. One of the people I know there quite well lost his mother to cancer recently and when he went in for a blood test himself a few months later, for another issue, they found he had the same cancer. This was after I stopped going and he hasn't told me directly so I'm not sure if I should know. Stacking my problems against his, he has three children and a wife, it makes me a little ashamed.
I'm struggling with my work and my addictions, he's facing death. As a believer, and he is a staunch one, I'm sure that doesn't bother him as much as it would others. Maybe it does. The point is, I think anyone would say that his problems are somewhat larger than mine. Throw in some unrest at his work and uncertainty about the future that he has no control over and you have a situation that is hard to deal with and will need a lot of support. And I can't even begin to provide that. It's that kind of thing that has left me not wanting to go to the group. My issues and problems are taken seriously, I am listened to, and they pray for me. No one else complains quite like I do. But their problems are as big and as scary, if not moreso. And they don't complain. But I do. So I stopped going. I can't trust myself to shut up.
The same is true at work. And in my family. My mother's mother is close to death, my father's wife is suffering terribly with physical health issues that have forced her out of work and she's on statuatory sick pay now - they are used to much higher wages than they are currently surviving on. Did I mention that she had a series of miscarriages that my father didn't tell me about until I announced Tilly's pregnancy with our daughter? He explained that was the reason for his lack of elation. Oh, and yeah, they were girls (yes, they progressed that far in two cases) and he lost his girl to cot death and we were expecting, and now have, a girl. Issues.
Compared to all of that...
Dice games is where I have found my distraction over the last couple of nights. Over at Rachel's Haven there's an entire section devoted to dice games. I love playing them - being helpless in the face of chance is quite something. However, I'd like (as ever) to play my own version. Expect me to get round to making one right after I get back to working on Reality/Shifts.
No great insights tonight, just these thoughts. I'm looking at a new therapist, my last session of CBT looms at the end of the month, still debating if I should look into group therapy. I tend to dominate conversations though so... I don't know.
Because the song is awesome and the lyrics are really clever,