I was challenged by something I read recently: my words count for nothing. It reminded me of how some of my students react to my faraway-look-in-the-eye pontificating on how they are the future and stuff. They get so much trite sounding of cliches that they must be forced to see the truth of it, and even then they often won't believe it. Something about the concept of being the future is frightening. Far better for them, it would appear, to believe the more comfortable lie: they will not change anything. In believing the lie they perpetuate the present and console themselves that there was nothing that they could have done differently.
|Ain't it the truth?|
Furthermore, humans are not rational beings. Sure, we can use rational thought very well, but it is something that has to be learned for we evolved to be emotional and irrational. Our environment is best understood in entirely irrational terms. The more rational we become the more we seek to dominate and exploit the world around us - be that in personal relationships or in our jobs or as a species. As a consequence, though the written word can only ever have the effect that we want it to have it doesn't actually work that way. The written word taps into that irrational part of ourselves and can pluck at strings of emotion without us realising it.
Words count for everything.
Most of what I write in this blog is actually for me, a rare thing, and as a consequence I often don't subject any of it to my internal editor. Reality/Shifts was first written without trying to write it - it spilled from my pen whilst at a debate in which I was there only as a teacher. My only internal editing of that as I wrote was to avoid sentences starting with pronouns or articles as much as possible. The rest, the plot and the characters and the setting, was not planned and simply happened. In that, I believe it to be my best work. Not critical accalim wise, though it has garnered the most attention of anything I've ever published online, but in terms of how I regard it.
|How my internal editor would look if they were a. corporeal|
and b. in any way supportive.
This does not mean that what I write here is not believed or that I am not careful with what I record, just that I'm trying very hard to keep my edior away. No, that's wrong, trying hard implies that I think about it and that would distort what is written here. I don't think actively about it and, as a consequence, I repeat little bits of sentences - half remembered words and phrases pepper my prose like marshmallows in rocky road. And, in that, it is probably me at my most honest and it is all in the written word.
My words are all I have.
|Hammering out sentences and half-formed|
paragraphs like so much pig iron.
|Close enough to what I'm trying to say.|
My words are all that counts.
You have no friends / you won't be missed / I'm here to tell you that you don't exist