It should be obvious by now that I'm a. in therapy and b. not getting very far with it. The problem appears, to me, to be that being compassionate seems to involve a lot of excuse-making to justify or explain away aberrant behaviours. As explained in another post(s) I am an angry person who tends to find irritation in just about anything and everything. This is a reaction to something, and generally I turn it all inwards. Lately I have been attacking my love of dressing in female clothing.
On Tuesday Tilly and I had a long talk about my anger and its source. It ended up with us cuddling on the sofa and her saying that she didn't think I was a bad person, rather a good person who was finding things hard. I also started sleeping in our bed again.
A couple of nights of being woken by a screaming boy and scaring Tilly by my expression of sheer anger in a morning from dealing with our spawn and that doesn't seem very tenable. I can do it at the moment by dint of not having an alarm and the fact that I'm on holiday. The moment I go back to work I suspect I was going to go back to the sofa anyway. As it is, I suspect I shall be back there tonight but, this time, it will be my choice. There's little point on me being in the same bed. We can talk, sure, but not when Tilly's trying to get our son to sleep and is stressed about her own endeavours.
|Mrs Doasyouwouldbedonby, for it is she,|
from the Water Babies. Not how I remember
her from the film, it must be said.
I embrace my wrong and my inequity - I see myself for what I am and I make no excuses and heed no forgiveness. I do not strive to be better and fail, I strive for nothing and cannot fail. I have achieved everything that I ever set out to do: go to University, trick a woman into bed. I have done these things. I cannot make my wife happy. I cannot build better children. I want them to fear me, to do as I tell them when I tell them without pissing about because they're pissing themselves in fear. I want kinky sex, for free. But I recognise that these things are not only unlikely but that they are also poisonous and wrong.
I guess I'll either leave, or die, whichever is quicker.