Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Wednesday, 1 February 2012

My addiction and my Ex pt2

In the relationship with my ex I guess part of the attraction in those early days was the feeling that I was the one being wooed.  Before we were going out, in the Summer, it was Toby who invited me round to her house, who suggested that I try on a dress, who sought me out at parties and made sure I was generally well treated at BBQs and the like.  She would hover about me when I went round to the house she shared with some of my friends and she was keenly involved in the things I would do.  She followed what I did, listened to me in conversation, laughed at my jokes, inquired after my feelings, she was, well, attentive.

I really quite like the idea of my Significant Other being the
knight and I the damsel.  But we're both the same gender we
are in real life.
At the party we eventually ditched for me to try on her dress she even said that she loved me when I was mock-complaining about being lonely and not being able to meet people.  At the New Years' bash where we hooked up it was she that fastened herself to me, bought me drinks and generally did the running.  When I stayed over it was at her room, not her at my place, and she would put a protective arm around me when we slept in the same bed rather than the other way around.  I sought her domineering tendencies and she was happy to provide them.  I remember having the discussion early on that I saw her as my knight and I was her damsel that she had rescued from a life of loneliness.

Check it out: man is manly, strong, not too bright
and given to physical solutions.
Guile? Subtlety?  Not in relationships,
only in battle!
In essence, I think I recognised on some level that I was the 'female' in our relationship insofar as it was she that was doing the wooing and the running.  One of my great disappointments in life was learning that my passive nature was not going to get me far in life.  Most of the girls I knew were able to use their passivity to get what they want, further, this was actively encouraged by parents, peers and society in general. Most of the girls I knew when I was young were adept at appearing to be passive but actually actively seeking what they wanted through guile, subtlety and intelligence.  When I tried that approach it usually failed completely on the grounds that I was male and therefore expected to get things through action and brute force.  My subtle attempts to get ahead were usually met with people not getting it because they assumed a male would not be as subtle as I was being.

Nowhere was this more apparent than in relationships.  I hated, and still hate, the fact that simply because I am male it is expected that I must do all of the wooing.  It is expected that I will try multiple options to woo or otherwise please and compliment women even if most of them fail.  I am not to expect direction, encouragement or thanks and praise.  If I get it wrong I must endure the fall-out and if the woman just isn't in the mood to do anything more than grunt at my efforts then I must take that.  Conversely, if a woman does anything at all for a man it is societally expected that he better be damn' well grateful.

Yeah, the reaction was like this but on my back or my head.
I confess to rather liking the feeling: both the immediacy
of the pain and the satisfaction that I was doing
something she liked.
I flirt with the idea of female domination but, in truth, I'd make a terrible submissive.  With Toby it was clear that she appreciated my passivity and was keen to offer multiple options to me.  In gratitude I did my best to offer direction, praise, thanks and respond as best I could.  Take her masturbation of me as an example.  At first I was a little freaked out by it, no one else had ever touched me anywhere about there, and I didn't really know what to make of it.  The first time was in the blue satin nightdress too, after Toby had pointed out that I was more vulnerable to that kind of manoeuvre in this kind of clothing, and I confess to enjoying it.  I returned the favour with my own hands and rapidly discovered what she liked in return.  I took some pride in the fact that I could make her scream, in pleasure(!), involuntarily (no way I'd be able to make her scream in pain, she'd've killed me) and was able to produce multiple orgasms for a woman that had pontificated at length on why she thought such things did not exist and were impossible.  The point was that I took what she did for me and returned it on the grounds that people do for others what they'd like to have done to themselves.

We ended up biting a lot of lip, she did more than me.
She always took the lead when kissing and took the lead in deciding what we would do.  I wasn't completely passive, I did take part in discussions, I had an opinion, we had disagreements and I stood up for what I wanted but, overall, I was very much the one that was being pandered to rather than the other way around.  Societally, I was very much the woman.  She was very much my knight.  It's how I visualised us.

Like this.  Here the woman imitates the sort of pose
that I used to strive for with Toby.  She was the strong
and confident one and I was the slightly shy
and slighter built one.
It was this aspect, the roles in the relationship, that I think affected me the most and what stays with me now that I look back at it all.  The cross-dressing and the games we played, we abstained from oral and more sex, were ornaments, they weren't what drove us.  My mistake, among many in that relationship, was assuming that the games were the most important bit.  The association of those games and the feelings of having the more feminine role in a relationship propbably explains a little about why it was after that relationship that my addiction really took off and stopped being something that I just pootled about in my head with.  It explains why I was so concerned about it all that I started to genuinely look into transvestism and the like and why I was so surprised to learn that most people associated transvestism with homosexuality.  I mean, I had thought about my sexual orientation but in the same way I thought about gravity: my heterosexuality was as obvious to me as the force of gravity, in much the same way I imagine that homosexuality is obvious to homosexuals.  That I had taken a 'female' role in a relationship wasn't immediately apparent and the dressing had seemed little to do with my sexuality and more to do with having fun, messing with other people a bit and just something that felt really nice.

I think this may warrant a Part 3...
I viewed myself, still view myself, as a damsel in distress,
I guess.  I wait for someone else to take the lead.  Is that
so against masculinity?

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!