Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Friday, 10 February 2012

Chair Work

The chairs are opposite each other, like this.  Perhaps I
need some prop between the chairs so that both aspects
can talk to the prop.
I'm in therapy.  Like most people I guess.  And yesterday was my last session, in which we tried some chair work - that is, having different chairs for different aspects of me to talk to each other and to talk to another part of myself between them.  It wasn't quite as open as I thought it was going to be.  In the end the idea was that there would be two chairs: one would be for my inner-critic and the other would be for my inner-compassionate self.  They would then face a part of myself that I was prepared to discuss and would not cause too much distress.  Something like my lack of assertiveness at work, for example, and the inner-critic would go first.  I would then have to have the body-state of criticism and feel the things that I subject myself to on a pretty much daily basis.  Then I would switch chairs and essentially take on the role of being more compassionate.  This would be acting, I know that, and the more we try acting the easier it will become to feel it for real.  By pretending to be more compassionate to parts of me then I would perhaps learn how to be more compassionate to myself.  Tilly has already pointed out that if I were nicer to myself then she would find it easier to be nicer to me too.

My inner-critic.
When it came to the task I found it hard to get going.  As is usual when I'm nervous I spent a long time building up to it: I was embarrassed and just nervous.  I prevaricated and delayed and stood in silence for long periods without moving and just feeling that I couldn't do it for fear of making myself look like a dick.  And, as is usual, I ended up forgetting what the task actually was.  So, when I sat down as th inner critic I fixed the seat where I would sit second and addressed it like I was sitting there.  I spoke about my cross-dressing and attacked my motives, my reasonings for doing it and the fact that I did it at all.  I spoke about the truths of the matter: I don't pass; I don't look feminine; I gain nothing by it but more alienation from Tilly and general distraction from what I should be doing.  I went into the fact that it is the most selfish thing that I do.  I attacked myself like I do in my head.

How I imagine my compassionate side.
But when I changed chairs I wasn't trying to be compassionate to the part of me that cross-dresses, I was role playing that part of me trying to be compassionate.  And I didn't feel very good at all.  I felt that my inner critic was right, I felt like the one I had been attacking.  And I had no answers, my inner-critic may be mean and critical but my inner-critic is right.  I think it's because I am rational and cold and logical.  All of the points that were raised were essentially about the irrationality of my actions, the lack of justification for what I do, and the unspoken awareness that I engage in pornography to masturbate these days, making it harder for me to connect with Tilly.

Take right now, for instance, we're in different rooms because my typing is too loud for her and she needs to get on with her own work and contact her friends online.  We're both tired, we don't really talk any more and I'm in a grumpy mood after my day at work.  I want to do something special for her on Valentine's Day and I don't know what to do because I'm busy trying to work out my therapy and what to do about the fact that I want to buy those damn' boots or something.  I guess I'm still a bit bummed that I didn't fit into that Karen Millen dress but that doesn't mean that I should be looking to get something else.  It was an impulse buy, it wasn't right and I should just move on.  I have the money back now and someone else wanted it, it was all for the best in the end.  What right do I have to still be mulling that one over.  It is ridiculous that I even expend thought over this.

I do need to find the positivity that I had at the beginning of the year again.

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!