Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Saturday, 14 January 2012

What do I want?

I posted, I deleted, I planned, I failed to write... It's been a bit different for me lately.

My attempt at positivity boosted by wearing my shoes in the morning has managed to last, a bit, but it's getting a little strained.  It turns out that I am over the hump of my recent depression but that thought scares me a great deal.  When I am happy and contented is when I start to make mistakes, it's when I relax that things go wrong the most.  And I'm scared.

I wish we'd had this.  I spent our wedding
stressing about my family's bitchiness
and the night was spent letting Tilly sleep.
We've never actually had our wedding
Also, being positive is one thing, but what do I actually want to happen?  I mean, obviously being depressed and unhappy is a Bad Thing and something that I want to end.  But what would allow me to be happy and not depressed?  What am I searching for?  I used to think that it was all about finding a relationship, a special someone with whom I could explore my life and their's.  I wasn't thinking that a significant other would solve everything overnight or that I could lose myself in her but I was thinking that it would set me on the right path.  As it happens, Tilly is lovely: she is very attractive and very intelligent: I am lucky to have a relationship with her.  Between us we have created two very cool children and we are exploring how best to nurture them and help them to be all they can be, and all they want to be, as they grow up.  The parenting journey is intriguing, interesting and full of things to ponder, work through and otherwise research and understand.  But I'm not happy.

It's a trap!

I have scried into what makes me who I am, I am finally facing the demon of my urge to cross-dress, that part of me that demands further femininity in a welter of failing to be masculine.  It is a part of me that wants to pass but takes a certain sadistic delight in knowing that suchy a thing is impossible.  The part that wants me to wear more female clothing whilst absolutely aware that to do so would tear asunder everything that is good about my life.  The part that knows that the porn I read on the internet has conditioned my own sexual response so that I fail to really ignite passion, or even romance, in my relationship and doesn't care, it encourages it further, ever further, from what is actually likely to happen in reality.  I am facing it, I am attempting to understand it.  I am being fully honest about it, I mean fully honest, not just pretend honest.  Coming out to people and discussing my desires wasn't fully honest, it was honest but it neglected the real reasoning that drives me, the real motivations.  I know that I don't want to be a female, and I respect more and more people like Steffi who feel this challenge and have to live with it day by day.  There is nothing fun or titillating in gender dysphoria.  Especially when that cannot really be dealt with openly.  I am not gender dysphoric, and I am lucky in that regard.  I have dressed, gone outside, and walked distances in high heels.  I have indulged at night-time, I have gone deep into bondage and even shaved my legs.  But it did not make me happy.

I have ascertained much about why it is that I cross-dress and have the urge.  I have learned that my childhood was not entirely normal, I have an excuse for my coldness, for my inability to emote like other people.  I know why it is that things that come naturally to other people do not come naturally to me.  I have seen these things and I am challenging them, I am able to try and nurture my own children, I am able to try and empathise and I am able to see where I succeed and fail.  But I am not happy.

Awesome He may be, All-Powerful even, but He gave me
free will.  And that means that I have to let Him in to my
life.  He can come in without permission, but He chooses
not to.  And that just scares me.
So what do I want?  Do I want Tilly to be more accepting of my habit, my little secret shame?  Do I want to 'come out' to my children, to remove the lie that I place before them?  Do I want to walk away from it all, so that I am alone and responsible to and for myself only?  Am I suicidal?  Do I want an end to eveything so much that I would be prepared to say to God: "You can't fire me, I quit!"  Do I want to leave my job, end the stress and the worry completely, walk away from everything and end up a homeless bum in a major city with no worries and no cares?  It's not idyllic, the chances of murder, rape, starvation and brutal beatings are huge and real.  I am not claiming that homelessness is a picnic or that it would be somehow better than how I live at the moment, that would be insulting to every homeless person, but I am saying that it may be what I want.  It's a contender.

I would never be brave enough to do
this.  And if I did I would not pass.
Did I mention I have a beard and look
12 without it or that it takes two weeks
to grow back?  No way I could hide that!
Do I want sympathy?  Empathy?  Understanding?  Do I not have these things already in Tilly or my therapy?  Or do I want the impossible things that can never be granted?  The chance to relive my childhood, with understanding, and make it better.  The chance to get my parents to love me unconditionally and to show it, to help them heal from losing my sister so young.  The chance to accept the friendship and support of Kristen at University and dress as a woman for my third year, completely, to either get it out of my system or at least feel some fulfilment of those desires.  To buy a pair of boots, get all en femme and go for a long walk in the dark with a handbag and a pair of handcuffs, where no one would see me, and just indulge for a long time.  To sleep in the same bed as my wife.  The chance to make love to her and with her, to play as much as talk and connect emotionally.  The impossible things that can never be granted.

Or do I simply want to say the unsayable because it is unsayable?  To shock and be cold, to be angry and offensive, to burn everything down, destroy it all and walk through the ruins.  I could take this wholoe house with me: my family and my possessions, all in the pyre.  The worrying thing is, I think I'm just about cold enough emotionally that, if I were to try it, I could watch and feel nothing when I heard the screams.

I'd do it.  I'd create it all for the end:
the Gotterdammerung.  And I too
would have no sympathy.
I watch things like Downfall and Hitler: the Rise of Evil and I think: I could do that.  And I could.  We all could.  I just recognise it.  It's why I have such a problem with forgiveness, why I don't feel I can accept it, sorry God - I'm not good enough.  Because I recognise the depth of depravity and evil that I could stoop to if I so chose and I know that if I did I would have no regrets.  I regret instead the things that I have done, for good or ill, and regret the paths I do not choose.  I do not regret my habit or the porn or the bondage or the fantasies, and I did it even when I promised I would stop, even when I prayed for help and help was provided.  I rejected it, I took it away from God, I would not lay it at the cross or at the manger.  I held it close and would not let go, when everything else can be torn from me and everything else is given I cling to this.  And I hate it.

What do I want?

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!