My attempt at positivity boosted by wearing my shoes in the morning has managed to last, a bit, but it's getting a little strained. It turns out that I am over the hump of my recent depression but that thought scares me a great deal. When I am happy and contented is when I start to make mistakes, it's when I relax that things go wrong the most. And I'm scared.
|I wish we'd had this. I spent our wedding|
stressing about my family's bitchiness
and the night was spent letting Tilly sleep.
We've never actually had our wedding
|It's a trap!|
I have ascertained much about why it is that I cross-dress and have the urge. I have learned that my childhood was not entirely normal, I have an excuse for my coldness, for my inability to emote like other people. I know why it is that things that come naturally to other people do not come naturally to me. I have seen these things and I am challenging them, I am able to try and nurture my own children, I am able to try and empathise and I am able to see where I succeed and fail. But I am not happy.
|Awesome He may be, All-Powerful even, but He gave me|
free will. And that means that I have to let Him in to my
life. He can come in without permission, but He chooses
not to. And that just scares me.
|I would never be brave enough to do|
this. And if I did I would not pass.
Did I mention I have a beard and look
12 without it or that it takes two weeks
to grow back? No way I could hide that!
Or do I simply want to say the unsayable because it is unsayable? To shock and be cold, to be angry and offensive, to burn everything down, destroy it all and walk through the ruins. I could take this wholoe house with me: my family and my possessions, all in the pyre. The worrying thing is, I think I'm just about cold enough emotionally that, if I were to try it, I could watch and feel nothing when I heard the screams.
|I'd do it. I'd create it all for the end:|
the Gotterdammerung. And I too
would have no sympathy.
What do I want?