Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Sunday, 8 January 2012

Musings and Shoes

First of all, the positives.

These are not the ASDA ones, but
they are absolutely awesome.
I have been really trrying to be more positive and not beat myself up so much when things go wrong or when I make a complete mess of things.  So, for example, when we popped into ASDA today I did my usual check of the shoes up in the clothes section and noted that there were no longer and size 8s of those shoes that were on special that I liked so much.  There had been the last time I checked but now that I had resolved to buy them they had gone.  It was a sad moment but I was being upbeat - they won't be the last pair that I'll like and the nature of things is that there will be another sale of other shoes sooner or later.  Besides, it took me about six years to buy my first pair after beginning cross-dressing properly (ha) so I can wait a bit longer for the second.

And these are also pretty darn fine.  I love the high bar
that would go round the heel.
My first time was in 2005, apart from a pair of knickers that were posted to me in University as a cruel joke to see if I would ditch my first girlfriend (I tried them on a few times, threw them out at least once a week and finally managed to follow through just before my mother visited after about two months, having worn them a total of three times), before then I hadn't worn any female clothes.  I did buy five pairs of knickers from Morrison's some time in the summer of 2005 but I hadn't dared try them on.  It wasn't until late summer when I was visiting some friends that my soon-to-be second girlfriend invited me back to her's to try on a dress.

It was an odd thing.  At the time she had a fiance and she was into all kinds of kinks.  I had liked her from the moment I met her back in 2003 but always thought of her as out of my league.  She was a proper Goth type and a bit mad - her sexuality was changed like most people changed underwear and she was known for having 'episodes'.  She reminds me now of a Pet Shop Boys song, but I rather suspect quoting it will turn people off.  Anyway, we retire to her room (she was still at University, I was in my first job) and she hands me this beautiful purple dress, full skirts with a corsetry style tie up the back.  It had a flow-y feel to it and was easily long enough to drape on the floor and hang right on my shoulders. 
To my regret, both at the time and now, I wore it over my shirt and jeans.  I walked about in it, checked it out in a mirror, liked it and wanted to ask if I could try it on with a stuffed bra (it seemed like the right thing to do) but I got so embarrassed and emotional that I couldn't get the words out and she thought I was asking to take it off.  I didn't disabuse her of this notion and the episode ended.  Time dressed: about twenty minutes.  All too short.

As first times go, it was a little bit like the first time you have sex.  I wish I'd made as much of that as I did the actual first time I had sex.

Anyway, it's been since then before I bought a pair of female shoes, despite wanting to from that moment (and not having any when I dressed as a schoolgirl for my then second girlfriend's birthday party at the beginning of 2005) so it's a good chance that I'll wait a while before buying a second pair.

And now the negatives:

It was like this, actually.  Less lace on the
sleeves and more aubergine in tone but you
get the idea.  And I was a wuss.
Though I never intended nor expected this blog to attract any readership, and certainly gaining readers was never the point of it, I did get a little thrill from seeing my stats telling me that I had about 19 regulars who checked back.  It's a small number, but the attention-whore in me liked it.  I checked today, I have none again.  So who I'm writing this for is a moot point.  It's hard not to blame myself.  This is a record for me, mainly, to try and keep me positive and happy and give me an anonymous place to talk openly about who I am, my sexuality and my desire to dress in women's clothes.  It also functions as a place to talk about my family and raising my children knowing that I am a cross-dresser, an unrepentant one at that, and how that impacts them and, well, everything.

But I liked the attention.

I think my love of the Pet Shop Boys killed it.  They're not for everyone.  And maybe I pushed it a bit by posting about them.  I'll probably delete it all now, it wasn't a good post, I'm not surprised it turned people off.  I know it's too late and I know readers was never the point.  But I liked it.

Anyway, onward to a more positive life and a more positive approach to my addiction, hopefully eventually taking my wife with me, though I suspect she will never want to know.  I should have indulged more at University, I had the chance: Kirsten and Stuart both twigged that I might be a transvestite (the former from my choice of Blur's Girls and Boys in a bar once) and even encouraged me to try if that was what I wanted to do.  I denied everything.  I should have embraced that part of me then, but it was 2000 and I was still wrestling with the urges despite having only worn a pair of knickers three times in 1998.  University would have been the place to try, I now realise, not 2005-2006 and certainly not 2008-2011 after getting married and having children, that's just a bit stupid.

Is cross-dressing like smoking?  Can you give it up with the right support?  Ah who am I asking, rhetorical questions are a poor substitute for good writing.

No comments:

Post a Comment

All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!