Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Friday, 27 January 2012

Cycles, themes and back and forth

My attempt to post every day for twelve days ended rather spectacularly two days ago and much has happened in terms of my headspace.  Work has done that thing where I get all stressed out and then have a mini-epiphany that I'm not nearly as bad as I first appear.  Furthermore the source of discomfort usually reveals in some way that I am not nearly as deficient as they are.  Thing is, they are better at the whole game due to the fact that I'm the one with stuff on my file and they aren't.

She's washing a lemon, not the pots,
but I would love to have her emotion
whilse she's doing it.  Oh, and the hair
with that dress.
Jealous?  Moi?
Then there's the re-read of From Hell that a friend of mine asked for as I have borrowed their copy.  It got me thinking about the unstated misogyny that pretty much underpins all of society.  Combine that with my reading around Renaissance Medicine and the rejection of female practioners and you have my usual realisations, part of the ongoing cycle that I go through every year.  I always liked the more violent themes and more obvious feminism of V for Vendetta.  Why am I not taking part in the Occupy movement?  Where is my stand against the vested interests of society that seem so hell-bent on mortgaging the future of my children to pay for the now and to do so without actually alleviating the suffering of the people that make up the vast majority?

I've not been mindful in the shower.  I tried again this morning but it descended rapidly into a shambolic planning of the day ahead.  My evenings have not been spent visiting my safe place and have, instead, been punctuated by a search for skirts, dresses and shoes.  Hardly promising and hardly likely to yield any results other than envy and further low-level depression.  I don't really have the funds to splash out on any of these items, I have other concerns, and all looking at these beautiful items does is remind me that I'm not really best shaped to enjoy them, I will not pass!  I mean, my hair may need trimming and look like it could handle a hair band but I'm never going to be able to wear such a thng or look good with one.  I am, after all, very much a man with a beard and crappy man-skin.  Would I prefer woman-skin?  I don't even know what that would be much less how it would actually work on my frame.

It was combats like these that my ex put
me in.  She suggested I buy some.  I never
did.
I also haven't started on the second part of everything that happened with my ex.  I suspect there's much of use yet to some out and much that I won't have realised until I try to record it.  I want to start writing that, and writing something creative here.  I want to wear my shoes in a morning when I do the pots but with tights to prevent my feet sticking to them and pulling them apart - my feet are pretty disgusting actually, they sweat so bad that parts of them look like they're underwater and other parts have big splotches of dead skin.  Mm, lovely.  Spot the heavy sarcasm.  I want to read books and do work and read webcomics and check sites like these.  But none of that is productive, relaxing or useful.

I want to be able to go to my safe place again, but I feel that if I do I will be forcing it - and that just makes me feel worse while breaking down the very parts of that place that I like the most.  Maybe tomorrow.

No comments:

Post a Comment

All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!