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This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

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Tuesday, 24 January 2012

12 Days of Mindfulness: Day 5

Almost halfway and I think I'm getting a tad boring.

Stuff like this helps.  Kinda.
Shower
Before: Got up late.  Did pots.  Did not wear heels.  Emotionless.

During: Visualisation of images of people enjoying showers.  Forgot if I needed to wash my hair or not.  Slipped into planning ahead a few times.  Called myself a few names because I was taking too long, lost focus, swore at self.  Finished shower.

After: Dressed quickly, took bins out, planned day, drove to work in silence again.  Emotionless.  Started day, tried to solve issue at 7.45am, voted down by superior who was late in at 8.10am, covered for a colleague, day went downhill from there.  Depressed?

In another life I would find this inspiring.  At the moment...
it's just a picture.


Visiting safe place
Before: Tired.  Emotionless.  Drained.  Just got back from work.  Tilly trying to get our son to sleep, our daughter apparently grizzled at being left alone.  Tilly greeted me looking stressed out, tired and generally irritable - the door had been locked and she'd only just got my text that I was on my way back from work.  House looks like it's been a trying day - not good.  Dreading a conversation with her, she's got a lot on at the moment and has been stressed about since the weekend.

During: Night.  Winter.  Cold.  Wearing a coat by the fire, it's pretty low and there's a low mist or fog that has enveloped everything.  Little sound, no animals or wind.  Grass is dead, trees are bare, there's nothing here.  Emotion?  None that I can discern.  Perhaps feeling a little down.  Does not feel welcoming.  Now my son is crying upstairs, lustily, so that ends that.

After: Think I'm losing the point of all of this.  It feels like I'm forcing it because it's something that I've been told to try.  No head-space.  Tilly's going through the mill upstairs, the boy is still going, can only imagine how she must feel.  Can't help or offer any support.

How I feel about myself right now.
Not sure what the point is of all of this at the moment, think it's becoming another Thing I Have To Do rather than maintaining that positive momentum I started with.  Oh, change the record, I'll stop here.
At once how I feel in a morning and how I'd like to look.
I don't.

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!