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This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Sunday, 22 January 2012

12 Days of Mindfulness: Day 3

So, it's been a day of irritation and anger on my part, rising in intensity until the last part of the day when it exploded a bit.  Nowhere near as much done and nowhere near as productive as either of the last two days at a time when I need to be a productive peak to maintain momentum and keep things going.  It's always at times like these that I fail the most, though, and that's why I'm in danger of losing my job.  It's also why I feel that I am a bad person, because, in many ways, I am actually a bad person.  Or at least a not very nice one..
Shower Task

One day maybe I will be able to actually enjoy a shower
without it being a deliberately selfish indulgence.
Before: I was rushed, had been looking after our youngest downstairs and failing to get the pots done.  I wasn't in a terribly good mood, strange dreams had kept me from having a resting sleep and Tilly hadn't had much sleep either, meaning that she was slightly irritable and not in any fit state to look after our children.  An imperative to get to church so Tilly could sing was also an issue, it meant I had only looking after our children in a confined space to look forward to, which I'm not very compassionate about and thus dread a small amount.
During: It was a bit of a failure.  I spent the time going over what I needed to do and the small amount of tim in which I would have to do it.  I attempted to prioritise but ended up feeling overwhelmed and stressed.  Attempting to emulate yesterday's image worked for a short while but was rapidly overtaken by my desire to plan out my day umpteen times.

After: Stressed.  I was later than planned (only 30 minutes this time) and Tilly was attempting to get ready, she was asking questions as soon as I was out of the shower but I couldn't hear her and shouting for confirmation brought no response.  I hate that.  Turns out she didn't need a response, so she was fine, but I was stressed out that I hadn't heard what she'd said and there had been no response to my entreaties.  So, yeah, low level anger and irritation was the upshot.

It was a little like this, but a flat stone was in the middle,
heated and cleaned, with some flattened branches for
utensils.  Did I make those?
Visiting the Safe Place
Before: I look after our youngest when Tilly goes singing in an evening at church, I look after him at church.  He did well, I did not.  I hate it when a child is stropping and I am dealing with it and people insist on trying to help whilst holding a conversation with you over a screaming child.  I wish they'd leave me to it.  Also, other people's manners annoy me, or rather, the lack thereof.  "Do as you would be done by" is a two-way street to my mind, and very few people seem to realise it.  Anyway, I ended up ranting to Tilly on the way home about bullies, other people being poorly mannered and my own lack of tolerance.

During: Still winter, in the oak ring.  There was a fire going, and dry wood had been collected under a plastic tarpaulin, slightly frayed.  I have a shelter over the sleeping bag it seems and a rock on which to cook.  The smell of eggs and mushrooms filled the air, obviously I'd collected them at some point, and it was windy.  I could feel the chill through the warmth of the fire, no walls on my shelter, just an overhang to stop the rain.  Not sure if I was dressed in a nightdress or wanting to be dressed in a nightdress.  Felt full and contented generally but also a bit silly.  The illusion wasn't holding tonight.

This looks comfortable and warm.
I bought new pyjamas yesterday,
I'd have preferred this.
After: Down.  Again, not the result of the visit, more the fact that I couldn't stay there for longer than I did.  Still a bit angry.  Good thing I didn't stay longer than five minutes (four actually) because Tilly rang down from the bedroom to ask me to put stuff in the fridge and chat aimlessly about how our youngest was creating as he was trying to get to sleep.  Still angry this end, so didn't care much.

It's worth noting at this point that my great-uncle, whom I barely knew, died last week.  I found out via my auntie on Facebook, my mother having decided that I didn't need to know.  I discussed it with her on Friday and my mother was a little dismissive of my needing to know and said she was waiting for a date for the funeral.  Spoke today and found out my mother did get a date later that evening, no need to tell me of course, and also that my grandparents have been behaving oddly since a few months ago.  Likely that they won't be long for this earth.  Actually, it's perhaps correct that my mother hasn't shared that with me earlier, I don't really give much of a damn about them anyway, I long ago lost respect for either of them.  Still, I feel aggrieved that I wasn't informed about any of this until I asked specifically - is it any wonder I'm cold and emotionless?

Bah, I'm ranting again and I'm still angry.  Want to eat some egg and mushroom but know that if I did it would turn out that Tilly needed them.  If I don't we'll be throwing away some mushroom and at least four eggs, we always do, when they go off.  Not that I'm bitter or anything.

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!