Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Saturday, 21 January 2012

12 Days of Mindfulness: Day 2

Day two has been a bit more difficult, as I was actually being productive work-wise at points and so I wanted to continue.  I have now crashed, after having a lovely lie in this morning, and hope I can function tomorrow.  Still so much to do despite little successes.

Shower Task
Before: I hadn't really thought about the task.  I was emotionless, this is a normal state for me, I was just going through the motions: neither happy nor sad, just doing it.  We had planned to go out shopping as a family, we had a timetable, we had slept in (not a bad thing) and I was having a shower.  I'd had breakfast, the children had been given theirs, Tilly had had hers.  There was no emotion and/or feeling to speak of.
Is it me or does she look like she is totally immersed in the
shower experience?  That's mindfulness, that's what I need
to practice.  No images of men doing this that I can find
incidentally, seems mindfulness in the shower is a female
thing.

During: I spent most of the time imagining the safe place.  It felt odd focussing on the steam and the light etc, but I tried and was better at it than I was last time.  In honesty, I spent most of the time firing off into the safe place and creating more of a history to it, or at least, fleshing it all out a little.  Brining myself back to the shower seemed a little strange.

After: Again, no real emotional state to report.  I was still slightly tired, a little sluggish, and concerned that I'd spent too long in the bathroom given what we had planned.  I was right, it had been 45 minutes, but it didn't make much of an impact.  It's only in recording this that I'm analysing and realising that we lost about two hours during the day as a result of that over-running in the shower so it didn't affect my feelings at the time.  I'm having difficulties recognising emotions and/or feelings with this task in general.

Like this, but green coat,
tighter sleeves, dress is
part of the coat and I wore
a Russian fur hat.  That
mental picture?  I'm sure
I've seen it somewhere but
damned if I can find it.
Visiting the Safe Place
Before: Didn't set a specific time aside to do this task like yesterday, so this is a tough one.  I've been in and out of it a few times.  I'll take the longest time today and use that.  I was feeling generally positive about the fact I'd crossed three things off my list today alone (but it stands at about fifteen remaining) and having had a good meal.  Tilly and I had had an interesting discussion about gender roles and touched on my cross-dressing in a manner that was informative without making me feel down.  Mainly because I'm not analysing it, so I won't start now.

During: It was winter this time and I was en femme with a muff for my hands.  I was walking in the wild wood, but it was the feeling of the clothes that captured my attention.  My breath steamed in the still air, the cold stung my face and the uneven ground forced my feet to do odd things in the boots.  I liked the cavalry trousers, they felt rather cool actually, will have to get a pair in real life.  It was pretty dark, and still, and it felt... comforting.  Warm?  Not physically, but mentally.  For some reason I'd handcuffed myself in the muff, it felt like that was 'right', and I liked the restriction.  I didn't feel like walking as much as yesterday, I took my time, enjoying the near silence of dusk.  Didn't see any animals or my reflection.  Have a mental picture of myself, but know I don't match it.


Yeah, it looked like this.

After: I realised how much I liked my place, how much I miss it when I'm not there.  I felt creative again, like I was creating something worthwhile and good.  I want to write again.  I have an urge to write fiction and short stories like I used to.  I was also vaguely irritated about getting our chinchilla out and having Tilly there but reading a book, and not really there.  She didn't help set anything up, nor clean up afterwards.  She may as well have continued her work on her laptop to be honest.  So, irritated?  Not a result of the visit I don't think, that usually bothers me a bit.


Day two over, I'll try and make more time as this goes on, I feel like I should be posting creative things or excerpts from stories now.  Maybe I'll bite the bullet and submit something to Fictionmania, seems like a good place to start posting my stuff - I may even get feedback, who knows?  I want to write a short story I've had in my head since about 2000 and to start writing my novel again, from 2008, which has some cross-dressing elements in it, but that isn't the focus.

It's late, that'll have to do for now.

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!