Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Thursday, 15 December 2011

My addiction and my wife

I think it's worth pointing out a few things.

These are not the handcuffs that I took to the four poster
bed but they are rather similar.
Firstly, the fact that I did tell Tilly, repeatedly, about my little addiction long before we were married.  We had set up a long weekend in a hotel to consummate our relationship about a month and a half in, saying a lot about us as people I suppose, with a four-poster bed and breakfast in our room.  I prepared for this, it was to be my first full-on sexual encounter that would involve penetrative intercourse and I was excited and looking forward to the experience.  I bought rose petals to scatter on the bed, roses to present to my beloved and a pair of handcuffs.  Another of my predilictions is bondage after all.  Now, Tilly knew about the handcuffs thing already, we had experimented a little with the whole tying up thing a little at her flat - mainly me tying her and usually with no real aim to incapacitate or to restrain, just to feel the binding.  Tilly was not impressed and did not venture forth with the handcuffs.  Made the four-poster a bit of a waste in my opinion.  There we did discuss the cross-dressing urges I had.  Briefly, she didn't want to talk about it.  I had mentioned it to her before then too, and there was no further discussion.

This is the look that I was aiming for, I
guess.  Needless to say I didn't even
come close!
She moved in a few months later and I mentioned it again, more insistently.  Tilly asked if I'd done it since she moved in.  I hadn't.  She nodded and that was the end of that.  We prepared to be married and, as part of those preparations, we went to our local vicar and he asked us to fill in some sheets about ourselves that we could give to one another - to ensure that we had shared all we wanted to and to try and avoid secrets between us becoming a problem.  This, I felt, was a pretty laudable aim.  Again, I mentioned the cross-dressing on the sheet and, again, Tilly did not really want to discuss it.  She asked if I had done it at all since last she asked, and I hadn't, so she dropped it and nothing more was said.  I got the hint this time and didn't try to bring it up again for another three years.  I did dress though, but in secret, when Tilly was out at work or something.  I would get all dressed up and sit on the internet in the kitchen, usually viewing porn sites if I'm honest, and getting my 'kicks' from that rather than from being dressed.  It didn't really evoke the same feelings as the events that started this record as it was so rushed, so forbidden.  Of course the over-riding feeling was a sexual one followed almost immediately by guilt and shame.

So, with all of this in mind, I confess to being confused, to this day, by Tilly's angry reaction to my broaching the subject again in July 2011.  I had mentioned it in passing in 2010 whilst she was in therapy and I was having a crappy year but I really brought it up as a discussion in July.  She finally read a conversation that I'd had online years ago about the motivations for dressing and was angry, upset and non-comprehending of any of it, having previously seeming quite supportive when assuming, and I stress assuming for I had given no indication of it, that my whole habit was in the past.

Perhaps iconic films like Psycho have much to do
with the demonisation for cross-dressing...
Secondly, I am an angry person.  I don't deal well with being challenged because I- No, a better way to put this.  I do not respect myself, at all.  I do not like myself: I am selfish, self-obsessed and all round venal.  Cross-dressing is the most selfish thing I do and I do not have a valid reason for my doing it.  More to the point, the nature of it leads me to behave in a secretive and dishonest manner.  There is an assumption on my part, perhaps by society at large, that cross-dressing is somehow awful and evil, twisted and strange.  Homosexuality is generally more acceptable than cross-dressing because people see a kind of honesty in it, in that people are acting out in a particular way their own sexuality and they are honest in pursuing their feelings.  There is love, there is affection and there is trust.  All of these things are positive and healthy and so homosexuality, practised in the open, is seen as honest and healthy.  Most homophobes seem most scared of the secretive homosexuality that might somehow infect them with 'gay' when they aren't looking - the ridiculous fear.  Ergo, it is generally accepted and acceptable.  Cross-dressing is not.  People seem to fear it because of the implied dishonesty and the fear of being fooled.


Tilly's dress is like this, but green and fastens
in the back with a zip that's practically
invisible.  It was nice, but it was hers, so not
something I could actually wear!
I've said before in this record that I don't think I would be fooling anyone.  However, I do feel shame and I do try and keep my habit secret and private.  I say in my profile that I rather like the anonymity of this blog to allow me to speak freely.  Were I proud of what I do or in some other way comfortable with who I am then I would not need that cloak of ridiculous anonymity, a pseudonym and a picture culled from another site which, in itself, was culled from somewhere else.  I would amalgamate this blog with the one I also try to run on parenthood.  The two would be fine.  When Tilly found my wardrobe in front of the children I would have come clean to them and explained that sometimes their Daddy likes the feel and the freedom of clothes essentially designed for women.  I was going to type 'women's clothes' but they're not - mostly they were bought by me.  I think I could assert ownership over all those items discovered, though I have borrowed my wife's jacket and tried on her Chinese style dress, and some jewellry.  All of those latter things are bad because they are, to all intents and purposes, theft.  I digress.  The fact is that I did not 'come clean' to my children, I still hide that aspect of me from them.

Okay, this is mainly focussed on the cross-dressing, but it could go for other aspects of my life that I dislike about myself as well.  The point is that I do not hold myself in terribly high regard.  This leads to a problem when dealing with people whom I consider my equals or betters - I find it hard to deal with challenge in an appropriate and healthy way.  Instead, I get angry.  And I resign myself to failure before I even open my mouth.  This leads me to say and do some pretty hurtful things to my wife, my family and my work colleagues.  Part of me wants others to feel the way that I have created in my head that I was made to feel.  Of course I wasn't really made to feel in any particular way, this is a layer that I have placed over everything in order to ameliorate the guilt.

So, whilst I technically haven't lied to my wife and I still can't understand, much less forgive, her angry reactions to my cross-dressing; I remain deeply convinced that she is right: it is sick and perverted in some way, something to be ashamed of and to seek to end.  Something that I cannot share with the woman with whom I want to spend the rest of my life, ever, and something that she will never be able to accept.

So much for the title of the blog...

5 comments:

  1. Joanna

    Your blog is way to personal and heartfelt to not have comments on it. You are not shouting into the void. We can hear you and we understand.

    Love the name of the blog too. Now if only you, and all of us for that matter, could find it.

    Miranda

    ReplyDelete
  2. Miranda,

    Thank you for the comment. I confess I never really expected people to read this, let alone feel moved to say something. So, again, thank you.

    Joanna

    ReplyDelete
  3. There are so many TV/TG porn blogs on the internet - like my own - but oncein a whileone comes across a sincere and intersting blog who is adressing what our inclination/addiction means in our real life. Like yours. Ican relate to what you write especially well because Iam in a similar situation, a family father who's wife knows, but is not enthusiastic about it. She prefers to think it is an unimportant bedroom whim of mine, occasionally indulges me, but firmly refuses to recognize the importance the issue has for me. I have more or less resigned myself to that situation. I can understand her. Even though she likes to think of her as an open minded person, and making an effort to be it, there's no denying she feels awkward about it, and so would our family and friends, if they knew. So we don't tell, generally. Though there are exceptions. Like you, the situation leadsme to unwanted secretive behaviour, which I feel is shameful. Yet I refuse toaccept that my inclination initself is shameful. I don't think of myself as a pervert, and eventhough Ican't denyI feelsome guilt, I am strongly conviced Ishould not. The onlyguilt thatI consider justified is the guiltof any addict: Heis dedicationg too much of his time and energy in satisfying his personal needs. So I am trying not to let my TG-thing too much of my life.
    I am really happy I discoveredyour blog!
    Be well!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am happy that you found it too and enjoyed reading it!

      It is true to say that I do enjoy your site and so I am a little star-struck that you came by and read what I had to say, let alone that you have given me such nice comments about it!

      Thank you!

      Delete
    2. "Starstruck": hahaha! I'm no more a star than you are, of course. But I admit that I loved hearing it anyway... (A proof that vanity is stronger than reason.)

      Delete

All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!