|Not sure about the earrings|
but seriously, who wouldn't
be confident dressed like
In an effort to stop myself focussing on the negative and, instead, to focus on making the changes I wanted to make now that I was officially in charge of this new role I decided on an experiment. The first day I was a hive of activity, I've not worked at that rate for a very long time! I spent the day networking, preparing and otherwise making my presence felt in a way that I haven't done since I started in this job - and by 'this job' I mean since the beginning, not since I've been working at where I am this time round (long story, basically, I worked harder and more effectively than I have for at least seven years). However, the come-down from all that activity was massive and the evening became difficult. I was tired.
|It was actually my first Relentless, possibly|
my first energy drink, but I can't vouch for that.
|Here they are again, amazing how much mileage I get out of|
these, I bought them for a fiver on eBay way back in 2005.
There was only one fly in the ointment. I hadn't told my wife, and that made me feel pretty guilty. It also meant that I didn't wear the knickers again the following day, or the next. I felt that I wasn't being totally honest with Tilly and it was something that I felt needed to be shared. It was something that I believed was necessary. I should point out that we hadn't had sex since our son was conceived and, before then, since our daughter was conceived. This had included our wedding night. Okay, there's more there, but this is not the time. We had discussed things and come to the conclusion that she wanted to be 'wooed', she wanted some emotional connection - something I was eager to supply. One of my complaints about the week where our son was conceived was that the sex was, well, sex. It wasn't that loving, it was almost purely physical, and I wanted more emotional content too. Part of that, to me, appeared to be honesty. I couldn't so very well 'woo' my wife if I were keeping something this momentous and important from her.
After about a week of wrestling with it, I told my wife. We had had a number of conversations throughout the summer regarding my depression and my struggle to cope at work and the cross-dressing had come up a number of times. We had discussed it in some depth, focussing on my motivations and the feelings and I honestly believed that she and I were getting to the point where we could make a breakthrough. I wasn't so sure about whether or not it was an aspect of myself that I wanted to keep around, given how much antipathy she had for it, and so this event seemed worthy of discussion.
I was stroking her hair, something she likes a lot, when I brought it up. She clammed up and shut up. It was frosty. Her mother was over that week and, well, we just didn't talk. At all. I broached this silence once, but got short shrift. Of course, appearances were maintained and in front of the children it was business as usual. When it was just us, she would find something else to do or go to bed. Where she would fall asleep.
It was a week after her mother left that I broached it again. It was then that we had the arguments, when she told me that it was all very seedy, when she got even more angry and upset because I couldn't understand why she was so angry and upset about everything. And, as I've said, I still can't. She wanted me to stop it all, wanted it all to end, wanted the cross-dressing over. She said that it was fine to discuss things when it was something that was in the past, but when it was the present, when it was actually going on, she just couldn't think straight about it. She told me that if I felt shame and guilt then it was probably something worth feeling shame and guilt over, something that was dark and private was probably dark and private for a reason. I genuinely worried for our relationship. I went to a therapist, I started therapy, and I explained that I wanted the cross-dressing to stop. My therapist's reaction was similar to my wife's, though more muted.
I saw my vicar. Surprisingly he was more supportive.
That was the beginning of the present journey.